wedding

wedding

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

My Bear Cub

The level of protectiveness I've felt while pregnant is unlike anything I've ever experienced. The first time it washed over me was as raw instinct. When I was about four months pregnant, one of my teen male clients was becoming very disruptive at the front of the agency, and as the supervisor, I had been called out to assist. He was becoming loud and verbally aggressive, so several people had gathered, and his social worker was there also, attempting to de-escalate him. He finally got around the staff to charge into the lobby, and I immediately stepped back behind a column, with my hand on my abdomen.

This may sound like a normal precaution for anyone to take. But I am not easily scared off by my youths' anger. They have plenty of reason to be angry, and if I know their personalities, their triggers, and their behavior patterns, I can negotiate the situation boldly and safely. This is a youth I've known for many years, and one who has never physically hurt staff. I honestly do not believe he would, and logically I did not feel in danger. I certainly did not feel like his target, and there is no part of me that rationally thinks he was going to head in my direction or throw something at me or do anything else that would put me and my baby in danger. But my instinct to protect this baby forming inside me disregarded all of that. Had I not been pregnant, I would have approached him, followed him, addressed him. Instead, I shot back the second I saw him shoot through the doors, and noted that his social worker was following so I knew it would be okay.

On a more regular basis, my protectiveness come through as hyper-cautiousness. When I walk through Penn Station on my way home every evening, I keep a hand over my belly. The evening rush is always more dangerous than the morning rush because no one wants to get home late and everyone needs to MAKE THAT TRAIN!!! People are just running amok. I've always just been part of it, but now I walk more slowly and I keep my hand on my belly because otherwise people and bags will just slam into it. I'm used to being prodded and slammed, and fat squishes and it's usually fine. But my baby bump is firm and sensitive and just so damn out there, the first part of me to reach any destination, and I find myself having to really ensure its protection. I walk further to the inside of subway platforms than ever before. I always grab railings on staircases.

My wife feels this in a whole different way - and she worries about both me and the baby! She gets so nervous about me going to work on snowy or icy days. I had my 28 week OB appointment this morning, which I planned to drive to and then drive to work, and she went into work a few hours late just so she could walk me out to the car before she got on the train, since our driveway was full of thick ice. She stays on the outside of me on any sidewalk or pathway. She texts me throughout the work day to make sure I'm okay and that I made it safely. She worries about BOTH of us, while also having the least amount of control over what's happening in a typical day and what I'm doing to keep us safe.

Many times I am disappointed by how people will watch me in late pregnancy leaning on a subway pole, my back and pelvic area just ACHING, and not offer me a seat. But recently I was surrounded by a pack of mama bears and that's what I will choose to remember for as long as I can. It was a holiday weekend (MLK Jr. Day?) and everyone was getting out of work early and there were train delays and cancellations because of ice. I squeezed onto a car where I literally took up the last standing space. There were a bunch of women around me, and one of them noticed my belly and said, "Oh dear, you should ask for a seat!" Even if I'd felt comfortable doing that, I couldn't have made my way to the aisles to do so. You could barely have thrown a jelly bean into that train car. So I said, "Thank you, but I'm comfortable enough to stand. I'm just worried about being pushed into people and protecting my belly, so I'll stay here where I can lean against the door." Someone said, "We're all women here, and we're going to keep this bubble around you. No one's going to push into you!" One joked that she was a nurse but didn't think she could do much if I went into labor. I said, "At least I hit 24 weeks, so I'm at viability now!" And she said, "Oh dear no, you aren't ready yet!!!"

As rushed commuters would come to the door and say, "Is there any room? All the cars are full, is there anywhere to squeeze so I can fit?" or would just try to slam themselves in, those mama bears would all yell at once, "BACK UP, we have a pregnant woman here, no one is shoving into her!" After a few times of that, a couple of the women just wanted me safely out of the doorway and started calling down the aisle, "we have a pregnant woman here, can someone please give their seat? She's going to get squished in this crowd!" And it was yet another woman who gave up her seat for me. She was down the packed aisle, and the other women formed a wall around me to get me there safely without having to squeeze into things. And when I got off to transfer at Jamaica (fortunately to a significantly less crowded train where I easily got a seat), those same women formed a barricade to get me out safely, and I thanked them and teared up as I got off. I have never, ever, felt such a sense of community and sisterhood. To feel so protected and cared for by complete strangers is something I hope I never forget.