Symptoms?

I've resisted writing about this for almost a week because it makes me quite vulnerable. I have no idea if I'm pregnant, if I'm imagining things or reading into them, if fertilization took place but implantation won't...I could feel like a total fool if I excitedly write a post about why I'm nearly convinced I'm pregnant and then have to write about how I was wrong. My initial plan was to write about this only if and when pregnancy was confirmed.

But then I realized that the purpose of this blog is to (1) describe my own experience so that I can look back at it later, (2) process my emotions and experiences as they happen since it is all a swirl, and (3) be a possible source of support and validation to others going through a similar process. By trying to protect my vulnerability, I'm not doing any of those things. And what's the worst that could happen? I certainly wouldn't be the first person to suspect pregnancy and be wrong. That's a real experience and it's okay for me to share that if that's what happens. This is supposed to be an honest chronicle of my journey, not a skimmed-over, carefully crafted narrative of the highlights. This is real and it's raw.

Saturday evening, which was three days post-ovulation, I noticed my nipples were very sore and sensitive. This is not something that just happens to me randomly, only the day or so before my period which would still have been a week and a half away at that point. This was suspicious. And now, seven days later, they are still sore, and my breasts have become tender too, all the way up to the sides. Saturday I told Nicole that they were sore but said, "There's no way that's related. It's way too soon!! ...Right??" We looked it up and found several valid websites that confirmed that nipple sensitivity and tenderness is the earliest sign of pregnancy and can be felt as soon as a day or two after fertilization. All I could think was how relieved I was that I felt something before beginning the next round of progesterone, because I feel like I can't trust my body's signals once I add that into the mix.

Since then, I have experienced: continued nipple soreness, increased breast tenderness, and increased cervical mucus similar to that at ovulation. (I freaked out thinking something was wrong, because why would it be like it is at ovulation?? and then later read that this is a symptom). Then yesterday I felt a tiny but distinct twinge in my lower abdomen. Anyone less in tune with their bodies than I am would not have even noticed it, but it was distinct enough that it wasn't imagined. I wondered briefly if implantation was happening, but then told myself I was crazy. How could I possibly feel that? Then I woke up at 4:00 this morning with severe diarrhea and had two terrible bouts of it before going back to bed. I think it's important to note that I have a stomach of steel and that nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea are extremely rare for me. I can't even remember the last time I experienced any of those. Years ago for sure. Today my lower back began to ache - again, something that only happens right before my period which would still be a week away. This evening I started having burps that just kept coming; this is usually only something I experience with soda, which I haven't had in months, and my dinner was a bland beef stew with white rice, not something that would or ever has caused any sort of reflux or reaction.

I started using a cycle tracker program today where you can check off different symptoms, fertility signs, the day you ovulated, the day you inseminated, and ultimately the result of your pregnancy test. The purpose is to help you track "symptoms" and whether they are really related to pregnancy. So if I'm not pregnant, then next month when I'm checking off "nipple soreness" on the third day post-ovulation, I'll be able to see that I did so the month previously as well and it clearly didn't mean anything. I'll be able to see if similar symptoms come at different times, or if there are new symptoms I didn't experience the previous cycle. It's just a good tracking tool to keep me in touch with the signals my body might be giving me. It also let me see a whole slew of symptoms that I've been experiencing (those noted above) that I wouldn't have connected to that, and it has various tools that are pretty cool, like the "implantation predictor."

Your Results

Ovulation Date: Apr. 9, 2014
Day Past Ovulation	Date	Probability of Implantation
6 DPO	Apr. 15, 2014	Less Common
7 DPO	Apr. 16, 2014	Common
8 DPO	Apr. 17, 2014	Common
9 DPO	Apr. 18, 2014	Most Common
10 DPO	Apr. 19, 2014	Common
11 DPO	Apr. 20, 2014	Common
12 DPO	Apr. 21, 2014	Less Common
13 DPO	Apr. 22, 2014	Less Common

April 18 is today, the day I experienced the diarrhea, lower backache, and strange burping.

Am I reading into things? Looking for things that aren't there? I really don't think so, because last month I was ridiculously excited (seeing a negative pregnancy test and having to start all over with a now-familiar routine quelled that, and I'm much more emotionally level this month) and constantly looking for symptoms and didn't find them. I kept saying to Nicole, "Shouldn't I be feeling something? I know it's so early...but shouldn't SOMETHING feel different?" and we'd reassure each other that it was indeed too soon. Our efforts to convince ourselves that I may be pregnant were all based in rationalization, that we had optimal conditions, etc., but not based on any physical changes, because they just weren't there. So knowing that while SO STOKED and convinced I would get pregnant I didn't notice any symptoms (remember my post about how I was poking at my breasts all day, wanting desperately for them to feel tender but they just weren't?) makes me more apt to trust the changes I'm noticing now. And if any of this is caused by the progesterone (excluding the nipple soreness which started before I took it)...well, it didn't cause these things last month, so what's THAT about?

I do feel more emotionally calm this month, more prepared for the reality of disappointment, so I don't think that I'm so convinced of pregnancy that I'll fall apart at the seams if it's negative. But I do think I will be very surprised, confused, and disappointed that I apparently can't trust my body. I also think I will be convinced that fertilization occurred and it just didn't implant, which would explain at least the nipple soreness (the one symptom pre-progesterone and the one symptom so strong and consistent that I can't be imagining it).

And so the roller coaster continues.