I’ve been antsy about not having another sonogram until 12.5
weeks because I had one at 5.5, 7.5, and 8.5. They have been reassuring, and it’s
also so nice to see how much growth has happened in such short periods of time.
I was a little sad that I wouldn’t get to witness different stages of growth
between weeks 8 and 12.
But I didn’t want it this way!
Yesterday around noon I saw a tint of red in my underwear,
and when I wiped, dark, bright red bloody tissue was on the toilet paper. It
looked like something that should not be coming out of me unless I’m on my
period, and I immediately panicked. I ran straight back to my office and called
the OB. For some reason I’m much less hesitant to call them for every little
thing than I was with the fertility clinic. Maybe because I know they’ll be
with me for the long haul so I feel they are responsible for me and this is
just going to be part of our journey! The nurse asked if I was cramping or
having lower back pain, and I said no. She said then that “it’s probably
nothing” but they could schedule me for a sonogram if I was concerned. Yes, please!
I told them I work in the Bronx and would need time to get there, so they gave
me a 3:15 appointment.
I immediately ran to my supervisor’s office and burst into
tears and said, “There’s more blood, and it’s like a clump, I have to go to the
doctor right now!” She hugged me and said to let her know how it goes. I’m so,
so fortunate in this area. I couldn’t be in a more supportive work environment.
I got there early and they didn’t see me until 4:15. I didn’t
mind the wait because I was grateful that they fit me in, but I was just so
nervous and wanted to know what was happening! I also kept wondering if there
was more blood. Just after 4:00, I finally asked to use the bathroom and
checked. There was nothing further. That reassured me quite a bit, because if a
miscarriage was impending, I don’t think it would take a break for a few hours.
But what do I know? And also it was my last day of the progesterone
suppositories, so I feel like the extra hormones could always trick my body
into holding on longer than it otherwise would if I wasn’t on supplements.
As soon as I came out, they called me back. A new doctor saw
me since mine wasn’t available. I know this can be a downside of choosing a
large (4) OB practice, but it had been more important to me to find a practice
with great reviews for bedside manner, skills, knowledge, and respect for my
wishes. I’m glad I saw her because I loved her also, and it let me know that at
least one of the other doctors I now feel comfortable with attending my
delivery if mine isn’t available. I would love to meet all of them at some
point!
While the doctor was out of the room, I took a peek at the
laptop that was sitting out with all my information on the screen. There was a
note for my call Friday that said, “Patient called RE some small amount of
vaginal spotting when she wipes. She denies back pain or cramping. She was
reassured and will call back if the bleeding continues or increases, cramping
starts or back pain, or if she has any further questions or concerns.” (I took
a picture of the screen so I have the exact words. Does that make me crazy?)
This immediately looked like liability coverage to me; it’s noted that I was
reassured and that I agreed to call back with any changes or concerns. So I guess
now that I DID actually call back to say it was worse, they had to respond by offering
a sonogram even though they weren’t concerned about it from my description. The
note for today said, “Pt with episode of red staining with ‘clump’. To office
for evaluation.” I was amused that they quoted me on “clump”.
The doctor first used a speculum to check my cervix and said
everything looks fine, that there was no cervical bleeding. She then did a
transvaginal sonogram and checked for uterine bleeding, which was not there,
and showed me the heartbeat.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing on the screen. It was
an actual BABY! Gone was my seahorse. The baby was laying on its back, and I
could see where the kidney-bean-shaped sac dipped down in the middle to
connect to its stomach. The placenta and umbilical cord, I’m guessing. Seeing a
head and a body, and something that looks like an eye, just froze me. I was in
shock. And then I was flooded by emotions. They just ransacked my body and I
started crying as soon as the doctor left the room. And talking to my baby,
just holding my abdomen and saying, “THERE you are, you’re really there, I love
you so much, stay put and stay safe!”
It’s an odd thing. The sonograms make me feel so connected
that I can barely hold myself together for awe of it all. And then within a
day, it already ceases to feel real again because I don’t feel or see anything
except my growing sore breasts. I want to just stare at it on the screen all
day so I know what it’s doing and that it’s okay! Everything is just happening
in there without my control, and I’m just waiting for periodic check-ins to
make it real again. My baby is more within my control now than it ever will be
once it’s born. I don’t have to figure out how to meet its needs; my body’s
just doing it. I don’t ever have to be separated from it. I can protect it better
than I ever will be able to again. And yet I still struggle with feeling
distant and disconnected at times, like it isn’t really happening. I actually
MISS my baby – and it’s right here with me all the time!
In my outpouring of relief and love that the sonogram
triggered, I said, “I’ll give up anything and everything to keep you safe and
have you here with us. Just join us when you’re ready and stay safe til then!”
I’ve had my anxieties about the realities of the ways in which our lives will
soon change. I’ve thought about how reluctant I am to give up my solitude and
freedom, my ability to just watch Netflix if I want all day, or go out on a
whim without a half hour of preparation. I think it’s normal to start
processing some of that and the losses that will come with this wonderful
change. But in that moment, with such relief that my baby was okay, I felt like
I wanted my baby here tomorrow, no matter what that meant for changes to my
life, just to know it made it and was safely in our family. I’ve never felt
such strong, instinctual, and immediate love for something that is still really
a stranger and more of an idea than a real person in my life. It was
overpowering and still blows me away.
It's hard to make out the details here, but when I zoom in on my phone, I can see eyes, nose, open mouth, and even an arm bent and up by its head!!
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