This post will not be so thoughtful and from the heart because I feel like I mostly just need to give a general update, since I have not posted in a month. This will feel a little more like my old journal, where I mostly just logged events for memory, as opposed to using this as an outlet to think things out as I go along. But right now I need just that, a log, because feeling overwhelmed at all that I've missed zaps away what small bursts of motivation to write I've felt in this last crazy month. So here goes.
1. A week before August ended, after much anxiety at not knowing what would happen, we asked our landlord if we could get out of our lease because we were in contract on a house. He gave us the number for his broker, told us to have him list it, and said that we could leave if the broker could get it rented. This was on a Friday. By the next Tuesday, they had found a renter, but they needed it for September 1 so we would have to be out by Friday night. HOLY COW. We had the option of turning this down, of course, and trying for a September 5, 10, or 15 renter - but the prospective tenants were in a tight spot since the apartment they were supposed to move into had just flooded, and it was difficult for us to give up a sure thing and have to hope we would find someone else later. It was also nice knowing we wouldn't have to pay any more rent and could put away more toward house expenses. So we made it happen. It was a crazy few days, but by Friday night we were in my in-laws' one-bedroom basement apartment, with the vast majority of our furniture and belongings stored in their garage.
2. So here we are! We are waiting for a mortgage commitment, and getting a little anxious because the date stipulated in our contract is fast approaching, but in the meantime it's a pretty comfortable living arrangement. I am LOVING taking the Long Island Railroad in for work every day. It is about 15 minutes longer than my previous commute, but infinitely more comfortable. I only take two trains instead of four, and I almost always have a seat. This means I actually have time to get fully and comfortably absorbed in a book. I cannot wait until I am walking to the Floral Park station instead of Bellerose, going to and from MY HOUSE every day. I'm also loving the neighborhood. It's so pleasant to walk in. I miss our apartment because it was our space together - the first place we lived in as a couple, and as newlyweds. But I don't miss our neighborhood at all, and I think that might be a first for me. I am, however, missing dearly my colleague who lived across the street and with whom I have become so, so close. Our commutes both feel so lonely now, and we desperately try to fill the void by spending more time in each other's offices at work than we ever did before.
3. I celebrated my first Rosh Hashanah earlier this month. I work for a Jewish organization and have always gotten the holidays off, but this is the first year that I haven't just seen them as freebie days. I thought I would resent that - but I didn't. I so enjoyed the services and the sense of community and celebration. I enjoyed thinking of the New Year as the birthday of the world, and connecting that to a chance to start fresh as people. I am struggling with my choices around food, so I resolved to make a small, realistic change for now in order to get on a better track. I resolved to take better care of this body I've been given by not putting trash into it. This does not mean everything I eat will be healthy (though ideally it would). It means specifically that I will work to avoid overly processed foods. When I'm craving a crunchy, salty snack, a bag of Lay's potato chips has the ingredients potatoes, oil, and salt, whereas a bag of Cheetos has so many I can't count, nor can I pronounce most of them. So the choice would be clear. Should I regularly devour bags of Lay's then, because it's less processed? Of course not. Limiting junk food in general and being careful around portion control is very important, and I will continue to try to be aware of this. But I know that in order to be successful, I need to set achievable goals and start small. I will choose chicken, rice, and beans from the Dominican restaurant near work instead of McDonald's. I will choose ice cream instead of cartons labeled "frozen dairy dessert" (you have to check with different flavors from the same brand).
4. Last week was my first Yom Kippur. This is the Jewish Day of Atonement, and boy was it work! Fasting from sundown to sundown was the least of it. We went to every single service, which we had not originally planned, and it was excruciatingly exhausting. When I mentioned this to a couple of Jewish friends and colleagues, they said we were crazy, and that they never go to all of them. But not only did we feel the need to know what they all were, we also needed structure for the day since this was new to us. It's supposed to be a solemn day, though there is certainly joy in forgiving and being forgiven, and what would we be doing at home to mark it? You're not really supposed to be having fun while asking God for forgiveness, so what would we do without playing on the computer or watching TV? Would we pray by ourselves all day, or read Torah? And if that's the case, then why not actually go to services? The first was Tuesday night from 8:00-10:30 PM, then Wednesday 10:00 AM-12:30 PM, then 4:00-5:15 PM, then 5:15-6:15 PM, then 6:15-7:00PM, followed by a breaking of the fast. The prayers really helped focus me, and pointed toward things I would not even think of as sins, things we are all guilty of - neglecting or turning our eyes from someone that needs us, for example, or exaggerating a truth for our own benefit. It was really thought provoking. We were also challenged to apologize, make peace, and offer restitution where we have gone wrong. We heard many times that God offers immediate forgiveness for wrongs against God, just by asking, but that where we have wronged others, we can only atone by making peace with them. I love the extremely difficult challenge in this. And I put it into practice by writing an apology note to a former friend with whom I had not spoken in three years. In my initial message, I did not offer excuses nor point out her part in it, but simply apologized for my role in how our friendship ended, the actions for which I was responsible, and the things I wish I had handled differently. She immediately responded with acknowledgement of the courage she knew it took me to write that, and with ownership of HER role in the situation. It was a powerful feeling, and I will never forget how my first Yom Kippur changed my life.
5. On a much lighter note, my brother got married on September 9th in Las Vegas. We had six weeks' notice of their nuptials, because they were not expecting our attendance but simply giving us the option, and of course we all wanted to go. My sister and I left our spouses at home and bunked with my parents to make the last-minute trip more affordable. My brother and his wife had a whirlwind romance, becoming engaged three weeks after their first date and getting married five months after that. I met her at my sister's wedding, a couple of days after they had gotten engaged, and was skeptical and cautious, protective of my brother whose heart had just been shattered the previous December. This trip to Vegas gave me a much-needed opportunity to spend more time getting to know her and to watch her relationship with my brother. I can tell she is genuinely in love with my brother, and it is amazing to see. She is a down-to-earth, goofy girl who is a great fit in our family, and I wish them both all the best.
