My Conversion, Part I: The Mikvah

In exchange for having yesterday off for my conversion, I have to work tomorrow, so a lot is being crammed into today. Therefore, my goal is to write about my conversion in pieces because I'm just exhausted and am preparing for a six-day work week. It might also make it easier to take since this is likely to be a loooong story. I don't want to forget any of the incredible things people said to me. I wish I could have recorded it so I could hear it again and again for the rest of my life. But the best I can do is try to record what I can recall here so that I can read it again and again. And the more time I take to write it, the less I will be able to remember. So despite my goal, this mikvah post might be very quickly followed by the rest of it!

Let me start by saying that this was one of the most special days of my life, tied with my wedding day - and Nicole feels that way too! Similar sense of planning, anxiety, waiting impatiently, getting excited, and also looking forward to the lifetime of stability, commitment, and security that is to follow the single-day event.

I woke up Friday morning excited and very anxious. I didn't sleep enough and just had the jitters. The mikvah, which had seemed SO AWESOME when Rabbi first told me about it over a year ago, seemed terrifying now that it was actually in front of me. Rabbi had told me that there is flexibility in Reform and I wouldn't be required to have someone in the room with me as I immersed, that this mikvah allows Reforms to use it without any interference or requiring a mikvah attendant, and the beit din could just listen at the other side of the door to hear the splashes of each immersion and my blessings. She said, "To make it kosher, yes, someone should be in there, but it's not required." She was trying to make me comfortable and wanted to make sure I knew my options - but as soon as she said that, I knew I had to have her in there. (And much better to be her than a random attendant!) This, of course, opened up whole new levels of anxiety and self-consciousness, but I knew I had to overcome that. I didn't want there to ever be any question in my own mind about whether I had done it right.

So that morning I did all my mikvah prep. I took this very seriously and had actually started it over a week earlier. There are to be no barriers between you and the water, including contacts, nail polish, jewelry, dirt, deodorant, lotion, etc. My nail polish was red, and that color stains. It doesn't come off the first day. So a week prior, I had removed it so that it would have time to completely disappear, which it did. Then I had cut my fingernails and toenails a few days prior to the mikvah, so that in case I accidentally cut a little too short, they would be perfect in a couple days. There is something that feels holy about taking such care around little details, really taking the time and devotion to prepare yourself for something so special, and it really helped prepare my spirit for it as well.

The morning of, I took a long bath, shaved my legs (not as common an occurrence as one might assume), brushed my teeth, flossed, cleaned under my nails, scrubbed behind my ears and in my belly button. I wore sandals so that I wouldn't get any sock fuzz under my nails. I packed a mikvah bag for my return to the world with body cream, deodorant, and hair gel. I packed my backpack with my conversion statement, the remarks I would make at both the private and public ceremonies, my card and gift for Rabbi, and the gifts from Nicole and my mom to open afterward. Then I just anxiously waited for it to be time to go.

We picked up my friend Allyson from the train and headed over. We got there only about five minutes early, but no one was there. Nicole wanted us to go inside, but I felt really awkward about that since it was all so unfamiliar, and I wanted to wait for the beit din to arrive. I sat in the car silently freaking out. What if they asked me really tough questions that took me a lot of time to stumble through a response, trying to explain things that are hard to put into words? (They did.) What if I freaked out in the mikvah and forgot my blessings or even fainted? (I didn't.)

Rabbi E called then to say she hit a little traffic but was just a few minutes away. I told her not to worry, that it was just us there. She asked how I was, and I said, "Excited, but so, so nervous." And she said, "Good. It's good that you're nervous. But you'll be okay." Shortly afterward, Rabbi R and Cantor pulled up. It took all my nerve just to get out of the car to greet them. We were a few minutes late, so we went straight in while Rabbi E parked so that they would know we were there.

The mikvah was in a private house, with the family living in the back of the house. It's split-level, and you go upstairs to the living room area where we held the beit din, and then downstairs to the mikvah. There was a sectional sofa and then a small bench across the room, so I sat on the bench, assuming the beit din should be sitting together with me facing them. Allyson sat with the beit din, and Nicole sat next to me.

Rabbi started by saying a lot of nice things about the role of the beit din as the gatekeepers of the Jewish faith. Then she asked me to read my conversion statement, which was over four single-spaced pages and described my spiritual journey starting from childhood, as well as why specifically I was choosing Judaism. It was very personal, and I was shaky and nervous as I read it to everyone. I had to stop to sip my water several times. Then the questioning began, and it was as tough as I expected! Here are the questions I remember, and no, I'm not going to try to repeat all my responses.

What is your favorite Jewish holiday?
What has been your most powerful Jewish experience?
What is your relationship with God like?
How do you connect with the state of Israel, not just with the Jewish people?
How did you find Temple Tikvah and what kept you connected here?
How do you connect and identify with the Jewish people and community?
You mention in your statement that you embrace both the joys and the challenges of Judaism, and spoke a lot about the joys - what are the challenges?
This week's Torah portion is about commandments between a person and God versus commandments between people. How does that speak to you?
Is there anything you hoped we'd ask that we didn't? (No - you pretty much covered it!! *wipes sweat off brow*)

I don't remember exactly what Rabbi R said next, but she basically intimated that she felt comfortable approving my conversion and invited Rabbi E and Cantor to give their opinions. Rabbi E said that the gates were widen open for me, and Cantor said that the Jewish community will be enriched by my being a part of it. Cue tears (for the second or third time since we'd started).  Then Rabbi explained the significance of water in Judaism and connected that to the mikvah. She suggested that I take time to absorb that before I go in, and offered ways to think about my conversion with each immersion (which I forgot and couldn't think of once I was in there, but it was really nice to hear beforehand).

Then we descended to the mikvah! There are four full bathrooms that open up onto one mikvah pool, so you can prep and then go in from your door. Rabbi showed me the prep room and the mikvah room. It helped my anxiety a lot to be able to see it first and know what was going to happen. Rabbi walked me through exactly what would happen and showed me the door that would be ajar for the beit din to listen. (It ends up that Nicole and Allyson were also there but kept quiet - I'm both thrilled that they were there, and glad that I didn't know at the time!) It also helped to see the room while my glasses were still on! The room was absolutely beautiful. It was glass and tile in soothing colors (light blues and grays and whites, if I remember correctly) and the pool was just gorgeous. It was not set up as I had envisioned it, and I wish I'd been able to picture it more accurately, because it would have made me feel so much more comfortable! I had pictured Rabbi standing as if at a regular pool, which is part of why I felt so exposed. But  there was like a ledge or balcony at the top with a railing, and then steps that wound all the way around the wall into the water. So the person standing on the balcony is looking down, not across, to see you. So even if you stand up out of the water, they're seeing that view, of your head and shoulders. Even if they see anything else, it's just not the same as if they could see your full front or full back. I was immediately more at ease.

Rabbi showed me the door that would be ajar and then sent me back to the bathroom. She said she would wait outside until I was ready, and then would go get the beit din while I went into the mikvah room. Because I knew she was waiting outside and they were waiting upstairs, I felt weird about taking a full shower, which had been my plan. I did take a full bath that morning, but you are also supposed to take a shower right before, and I knew I had sweated a little. I sort of sponge bathed with just a wet washcloth so that I could be ready more quickly and not keep anyone waiting. This is my one regret. I had done everything else so carefully and thoughtfully, without anyone asking or demanding it of me or even being aware of what I was doing to prepare, and then I cut this last major corner out of concern for other people. I also hadn't been told to shower, I had just read this and been told this by my Orthodox colleague who goes to the mikvah monthly, so I felt self-conscious about that too - maybe Reforms don't really have to "bother" with that and I was taking it too seriously? I also felt bad messing up their nice bathroom for just a quick shower. I wanted to use as little of their stuff as possible. And yes, I regret it now. I think just that three-minute shower would have given me that extra time to really mentally and spiritually reflect and prepare myself as well.

I put on the robe and told Rabbi I was ready, and then went into the mikvah room to wait. I stood there nervously. I didn't feel the joy that I had been feeling all the way up until this day. I felt very solemn and a little uptight with nerves. Then I worried that that would "ruin" my experience and consciously tried to relax a little, to no avail. (Yes, I'm known to overthink things and try to control my experiences to be the way I think they should feel like.) The hard questioning was over, and immersing and saying my well-rehearsed blessings should now be the easy part! But I wasn't a Jew yet until I came out of that water, and it suddenly felt very intense and heavy.

Once Rabbi came in, as we had discussed, she turned around while I took off my robe and descended into the pool, in order to safeguard my modesty. The water went high up on my chest, almost to my shoulders, and was beautiful and warm. I said, "Okay," and then I heard Rabbi from up above. I couldn't see her and throughout the entire immersion, did not really register any self-consciousness or sense of her looking down. I just listened to her voice as she guided me through it, and it was soothing and reassuring. She told me when to dunk, and I did, making sure to spread my fingers and lift my arms and keep my feet off the ground. It was hard to tell if my head was completely under, but that's what Rabbi was there for!

When I came up the first time, I was shaky and had to take a few seconds to recover myself before going into my blessing. For once, I have no words for it. It didn't feel like anxiety or excitement or shock that this was happening or anything else that I could describe. I'm not aware of having had any specific thoughts or emotions. My body just acted it out, shaking a little and making me take a few breaths. I had to recite the blessing more slowly than I did in practice in order to regulate my breathing again, and even had to pause for a couple of seconds midway through to swallow. "Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha'olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'itzivanu al ha't'vilah." ("Blessed are You, the Eternal our God, Ruler of the universe, who has sanctified us with Your commandments and commanded us concerning the immersion.")

Rabbi instructed me to dunk again, and I had the same physical experience when I came back up. I took a few seconds to breathe and collect myself, and then, "Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha'olam, shehecheyanu v'kiyamanu v'higiyanu lazman hazeh." ("Blessed are You, the Eternal our God, Ruler of the universe, who has granted us life, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this occasion.") I then immersed for the third and final time, and Rabbi and the beit din said, "Mazel Tov!" and Rabbi told me to take my time getting ready, and then she left the room.

And there I was standing in this beautiful mikvah, in the comforting warm water, all by myself, a brand new Jew. Just like that. And I started shaking and tearing up and stumbled my way up the steps in a daze. I put my robe on and went back into the bathroom and shakily put my clothes back on. I paused several times just to let the emotions wash over me. I wanted to hug someone and cry and celebrate, but instead I had to just get dressed as if it were a normal moment. That gave me a minute to just pause and sit with God and realize the enormity of what had just happened. And I cried as I undertook the mundane daily preparations to go back out into the world, putting on deodorant and lotioning my arms and legs and styling my hair. I had been so surrounded by people up until now that I took this opportunity to express gratitude to God for having brought me here. Which yes, I had done with the Shehecheyanu just moments earlier, but I did it again and with my own words and with my feelings that couldn't be put into words. I felt embraced and welcomed before I ever even presented my Jewish self to a human being.

(As I'm typing this, it just hit me like a brick that that shaky feeling that had no clear thought or emotion associated with it was awe, which makes me feel that I must never have truly felt such a thing as that before. It was surreal and unfamiliar and overpowering. And going back to read my description of that feeling, before I had a word for it, is really moving me.)

Having Rabbi there to make sure it was kosher is almost an afterthought now; it was so meaningful to have her present with me, guiding me through and being an eye witness to the moment I emerged a Jew. That was definitely not something I ever anticipated taking from this experience. I did not expect it to be so special just to have her there in the room with me. It would not have been the same to have her on the other side of the door calling in to me, and I'm glad that I didn't unknowingly get in the way of myself, denying myself the power of that moment. While I was in the mikvah, it felt entirely private, and I was barely aware of her presence except for her guiding voice, but I feel very sure that I would have felt her absence.

After I came back out and went upstairs, the others were in the midst of conversation and signing my conversion certificate, so I just stood there a bit disoriented for a few moments before the hugs began. I didn't feel the sheer joy that I had expected - I felt just total shock, followed by relief and contentment. Rabbi R knew that I was disappointed that Rabbi E wouldn't be there for my private ceremony that night, so she let Rabbi E say some words of welcome to me. She and Rabbi R have a very similar sense of spirituality, so it was all very beautifully in sync. There were more hugs and joyful singing and then we headed back out into the day. I really began to feel the relief then, and no longer felt nervous about that evening's ceremonies. That would be nothing after what I just went through!