Emotional Roller Coaster

Oh what a ride it has been...and I'm acutely aware that we're just at the beginning, and that couples can spend years trying to conceive. It's only been one cycle and we feel like we're going out of our minds!

A coworker I'm close with is also going through IUI (but with Clomid) because a recent accident left her husband with a low sperm count so they're having difficulty conceiving their third. We both started the same month, with her having experienced her first negative test result within days of when I was getting inseminated. I was telling her about the agonizing two-week wait because I knew she'd understand, and she said, "You know you can take a home pregnancy test days before that, though, right?" Ummm no, no I didn't!

Cue the crazy. (And yes, she said today she regrets having told me that.) I calculated within two days when I would likely be due for my period, which would be this Tuesday or Wednesday. I bought a Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy test that is extra sensitive to hcg so it can detect pregnancy up to four days before your missed period. Saturday was four days before (if I was due Tuesday) and I couldn't wait any longer than that to take it. Nicole and I were huddled in the bathroom waiting so patiently for the little hourglass to stop flashing and to show a result. And it was negative. We were disappointed but then tried to remind each other that only 65% of positive pregnancies show four days prior (it goes up to 90% three days prior, I think) so it could be a false negative, and also what if my period was due Wednesday? But my mood was muted and Nicole was cranky the rest of the day.

That evening we started trying to find silver linings because we couldn't stand staying in that space. These included: avoiding a Thanksgiving/Hanukkah birthday; pushing my five months maternity leave closer to my mother-in-law's summer break when she could watch the baby for another few months; not being quite so uncomfortable at my brother-in-law's much-anticipated wedding way out on the tip of the island September 27; not putting my mother-in-law in the position of having to help plan a baby shower immediately after her son's massive wedding that is already stressing her out.

The silly thing is that none of that would actually bother us if we learned I was pregnant, but we did a good job in the moment of telling ourselves that we'd be better off with a January 2015 baby. Willing suspension of disbelief, as they say.

Then Sunday morning I felt a horrid compulsion to take the second test in the box. I knew Nicole regretted having taken the first one, but I had to know. And maybe today, farther in, there would be a more accurate result. And maybe even a positive to ease our minds! I figured if it was negative, I wouldn't tell her I'd taken it because I knew it would increase her anxiety and distress (and probably mine too, but I couldn't stop myself). If it was positive, I could jump into bed next to her with it and squeal excitedly, and what a nice surprise that would be for her.

I was so careful to be quiet. I got a new disposable cup from downstairs instead of using the one in our bedroom so I wouldn't alert her. Then I turned the shower on first to drown out the noise, and peed and tested while it was on. Then I suffered the disappointment, showered, and went back to the bedroom where Nicole immediately said, "Were you taking a pregnancy test in there?"

Then I asked her if I could drive myself to Hebrew class because it was silly for her to waste gas going back and forth both times, plus it was early and she shouldn't have to get up yet. She insisted on taking me but I pushed the issue. All so I could sneak by Rite Aid and buy another pregnancy test. I swear, I felt like an addict. I'm never deceitful with my wife, but I HAD TO KNOW. And if it was positive, she'd be happy, and if it was negative, I wouldn't tell her until after it was confirmed by a blood test, at which point I'd be able to admit to my crazy.

This time I bought First Response, which can detect hcg as early as six days before your missed period. I was only at two or three days before, so this would REALLY be accurate! I came home and Nicole was talking to one of our international students, so I slipped upstairs and took the test. Another negative.

Again Nicole said, "What were you doing up there? You didn't even say hello." And I had to admit that I'd bought another test. There is one left in the box and I agreed to wait until Wednesday morning to take it so that I don't keep going crazy and I can just know for sure before getting the call at work with the results of my bloodwork. But it is NOT easy. I'm thinking about it constantly, up there under my bathroom sink. What's the harm in taking it and then just buying another box, which I could then use for Tuesday AND Wednesday? But I promised. I'm taking the advice of not giving in to my anxiety and making it worse. And it is so, so hard. It's like I just want to keep peeing on sticks until one shows up positive - the very definition of insanity, no?

I keep thinking I feel something and wondering if it's my period coming or implantation. Then I remember that since I'm taking vaginal suppositories of progesterone three times a day (oh I didn't mention that my levels were a little low so I got to add in this messy, chalky game?), my period will probably be delayed AND its common side effects are the same as symptoms of pregnancy and menstruation (mood changes, tender breasts, etc.). So I can't even trust the signs my body is giving me. I feel so out of sorts. Emotional and disconnected from my own processes.

And stupidly, some part of me is still holding out hope that all these negatives are false and I'll be blown away by happiness Wednesday. Even as I cry and stress about why our vial only had 7 million when our friend who used the same donor had 12 million and what if we had done this or that differently, I cannot change that my personality and my soul, to its very core, is hopeful and optimistic.