A year ago this very moment, I was an anxious mess. I had been so calm up until that morning, and then my stomach went haywire. Nicole was the opposite - she had been a bundle of nerves and then, that day, was calm and smiling. We reversed roles and she helped take care of me.
We took today off work too so that we could just relax together. We're going to get lunch at the Outback, our favorite chain casual dining restaurant that we very rarely allow ourselves, and then I'm going to see if I can get my eye-rolling wife to watch our wedding video together and maybe go through some photos. :)
And for myself, I will re-read my private journal post that I made after we got back from our incredible Vermont honeymoon last year, written 9/2/11. (Click "read more" below the photo if you want to read it.)
So I'm a married woman now. And despite what most people have been telling me, it DOES feel different. I just feel like our connection is at a new level. We're calm, happy, strong, and more bonded than ever.
Our wedding was perfect. It truly surpassed all my expectations, and I am still riding the high almost two weeks later.
We got up to Connecticut Thursday morning and had our makeup trials at 1:00 and hair trials at 5:00. They were SO much fun. We felt so pretty that we dressed up and went out for a nice dinner that evening. Friday, we settled up with our venue and dropped off our favors and such, and then went to the movies to relax that afternoon. That evening my family got in and we sat up chatting with them until way too late. It was so nice. Saturday, my mom, sister, sister-in-law, friend Becca, and I went for a little spa day. We got to eat lunch while we had pedicures, massages, etc. Then we had some downtime before rehearsal that night.
Rehearsal was fun but a little stressful. We were supposed to have the chapel at 7:15, cleaned and ready for us to set up for the next day. However, the maitre'd from the last wedding had locked it and they hadn't cleaned it yet. So I had to crash a reception to find someone who could unlock it, and we couldn't leave any of our stuff in there because we were afraid it'd get accidentally thrown out when the place was cleaned that night. All this also meant we ran late for our dinner reservations, which kept me feeling stressed. I'm also not used to organizing this many people, so we spent a good 15 minutes just running around inside with our minds scattered before I asked our officiant to help us get started, which she gladly and easily did. From then on, it was smooth and fun.
After rehearsal, we gave everyone their gifts. We have spent a year hand-selecting personalized gifts for everyone, so I only wish I could've been in many places at once and seen everyone's reactions. This was a foreshadowing of the day to come!
I had this romanticized vision of spending my last "single" night with my sister, up for hours chatting in bed about our futures, the realization of our dreams, etc. but it was so late once we got there that we just fell right asleep. Then at 5:40 a.m., I woke up with a sick stomach and had to race to the bathroom. I tried to fall back asleep, but around 6:00 had to run back in. At about 6:30 I gave up and crept down the hall to Nicole's room and crawled into bed next to her. I immediately felt calmer. We snuggled til 7:00 and then I went back to my room because the makeup people would arrive at 7:30. That was one of my best memories of the day.
My nerves continued to be jangled throughout the morning. I had so looked forward to the excitement of "getting ready," and it WAS fun but would've been more so if I wasn't on the verge of a panic attack the whole time! I felt a constant, unfamiliar flutter in my chest, and even the glass of wine proffered by my mother-in-law didn't help; it made my head fuzzy but did nothing for the anxiety in my chest. My sister, my amazing maid-of-honor who anticipated every need before I even recognized it, brought me breakfast to the room to help me relax.
At one point I went down the hall to Nicole's room to get something, and ran into her on her way to my room. My uptight, anxious, 24/7 nervous wreck of a fiancee was strolling down to me without a care in the world. It seems we switched places for the day. I have never seen her so calm and relaxed. I immediately sank into her and sobbed out all my tension, which helped for a little bit.
What also helped was the arrival of our photographer and day-of-coordinators. We have become friends with our photographer over the past 16 months, and her wife offers day-of-coordination services for $500 which we just couldn't spare. Our maitre'd would have to be enough. However, Kelly's business has been booming and she has since hired an assistant who she wants to train in day-of-coordination. She recently offered us this service for free in order for her wife to train the assistant, who would just shadow her. I can't even tell you how grateful we are that this happened. Jessica, the assistant, was a lifesaver a million times before our wedding day had even arrived. We just gave her our vendors' contact info, and she arranged with all of them when and where they would be. It showed kinks that we didn't even know we had so that we could smooth them out (such as the cake store forgetting that they had told us to just leave the topper at the venue for them, so they didn't know where it was). Just their arrival around 10:00 made me breathe a little easier. Once hair and makeup were done, we headed over to the Aqua Turf Club. That was a little stressful too, because we were slightly behind schedule, no one seemed to feel a sense of urgency, and I didn't know how to direct them. I felt like I was just floundering around for a while before finally getting into my dress.
Nicole and I had decided to do a "first look," so I had to wait nervously in the wings while they made sure she was in position. People generally do first looks for several reasons: to feel less nervous by seeing each other first, to get more intimate photos of each other's expressions when seeing each other for the first time, and to get photos out of the way before the ceremony so the couple can participate in cocktail hour. I wasn't sure how I felt about it until I saw some amazing first look photos online. Nicole was on board immediately because she knew she would freeze up in front of everyone and not give me the reaction I would be hoping for. (And she was exactly right; when I walked down the aisle to her, she was completely stoic and expressionless.) My only chance would be in doing it privately. I did tell Kelly that we didn't want to do all our photos afterward. I wanted to move right into the ceremony and hold onto that magic rather than pose for photos for another 45 minutes before we even got married.
So Nicole was in the gazebo with her back to me. Kelly had told me to tap her on the shoulder and then Nicole would turn around. This is what's done in all first-look photos, but tapping her on the shoulder just isn't me. So when I approached her, I just put my fingers in the palm of her hand where her hand was partially in her pocket. She wasn't sure if that counted for the tap and she could turn around, so she hesitated for a moment--and in that moment, Kelly grabbed an awesome photo. (She gave us a sneak peek of 3 photos, and that was one of them.) In the photo I'm behind Nicole, fingers touching her hand, and her face is straight ahead but her eyes have slid to the side, like she's trying to look without getting caught or without moving before she's "supposed" to. It's pretty awesome. And when she did turn, after I tugged at her hand so she'd know for sure, her reaction was priceless. She just melted into me and said "oh my God, you're so pretty." And I felt instantly at ease. People say it makes you less nervous, but that just wasn't even a factor for me before. I guess I didn't think I'd be that nervous, or if I was, that it would help much. But it really did. It made all the difference.
One of my clearest memories is when I waited at the foot of the covered bridge to the chapel. I was standing there with my parents, sort of hiding behind a post so people inside couldn't see me at the end, and I saw in front of me the open doors and my girls marching in. It was a real "holy crap this is happening!!" moment. Inside, where I couldn't even see, my wedding was unfolding. PEOPLE WERE IN THERE, and everything was rolling out. SHOWTIME!
I stared at Nicole the whole way down the aisle, and during the whole ceremony, because I knew looking out would be like looking down from a mountain cliff. It felt like it was just us, and I was only vaguely aware that the place was packed. I fought valiantly against tears as I walked down the aisle, and as our officiant mentioned Nicole's grandparents who were too ill to attend, but the rest of it was smooth sailing. I cry at EVERYTHING. Even at the rehearsal, I had started crying the second our officiant said something about our families joining. I'm just an emotional mess at all times. I just feel everything so strongly. But up there with her on the actual day, I felt nothing but overjoyed, and I didn't shed a tear. I just gazed at her and glowed.
We got to enjoy some quiet time together during our couples photos before starting the reception, which is another of my favorite parts of the day. Everything from there was just fun and relaxed. Nicole and I don't dance, like at all, EVER, and we were on the dance floor all night. Being that high on joy and celebration was more effective at getting us moving than any amount of drinks could've been. I enjoyed every second.
The weird thing to me is that it didn't move too fast. Everyone tells me that it goes so fast, especially after all that planning. That the day goes by in a blur, and that they miss it after. I am in a wedding planning community on livejournal, and a ton of married women are on there because they like giving advice and sort of living vicariously through other brides.
I don't feel that way at all. I enjoyed each step of the process, both the day of as well as the year and a half preceding, rather than just anticipating the next thing. I think that helped a lot. But I just don't miss it. I was so happy with the way every single thing went that day, that I am happy enough to revel in those memories. I don't feel an ache to relive it, or a sadness that it's over. I feel so perfectly content with where I am right now. I thought I would envy my sister and other friends who are getting married because my wedding would be over and they'd still get to be enjoying all that comes with it. But I don't. I feel so happy, at peace, and relaxed. I even have no desire to read anything further on the wedding plans community. After I get to post my pics and reviews and thank everyone, I'm outta there. It's incredible, and definitely not what I was expecting. I'm just so excited for where we are now--having had an amazing day, and now having time, money, and energy freed up for new adventures.
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