Settling In (as a Jew)

It's finally happening. I am coming down from the high of my conversion, which I was riding long before it actually happened. (Jewish) life is settling in around me, and I am content. I am still eager to learn, but with a more normal and sustainable level of excitement, rather than with the urge to run and dance and jump around that has had me swept up for months. No high can be maintained forever, and the silver lining is that I know now what being Jewish feels like from a typical, everyday perspective - it feels comforting and content and secure and stimulating. When Rabbi asked me a few weeks before my conversion how I thought it would feel on April 20 (the day following my conversion), how I feel now is exactly what I described - normalcy, calm, a seamless fit in my everyday life. But it took me a few weeks to get here.

I haven't lost my passion and excitement. They are just at a different level because Judaism is infused into my life rather than something I'm excitedly reaching for almost outside of my life. I will never lose the shine in my eyes for Judaism (as Rabbi said to me on the bimah April 19 as I positively glowed) and, as a Jew by choice, I don't think it's possible to completely take it for granted. I sure hope not. But this feeling of normalcy makes me feel even more authentically Jewish, because now it's just what I do, it's just my life. Just like my everyday life with my wife makes me feel more happily and contentedly married than the giddy honeymoon glow that I knew would not last forever, and what would it be followed by?

Another silver lining to this is that my comfort level has increased even more. I feel just slightly more comfortable talking to Rabbi when I see her (still not completely, because I will always be socially shy) and even more comfortable than before talking and asking questions during Torah study and other events. Again, still a level of shyness, but not so much self-consciousness like there was before. I'm still Rabbi's #1 fan and think she's amazing, but it's a little less "OMG we have to go to such and such, I want to hear Rabbi and just be around her, she's so incredible!!!!" and a little more just admiration and respect for the level of intelligence and insight and spirituality she brings into every discussion, a feeling I'm sure I share with every other member of our congregation. I feel less like a fangirl, and more like a member on equal footing.

Today this same brilliant and lovely rabbi made a beautiful point in Torah study about the opposite but equally important concepts of God as almighty and awe-inspiring (malchut) and God as an indwelling presence within our world and within each person (shechinah). She used the last verse of Leviticus juxtaposed with the first verse of Numbers to show this, in that the first is about God speaking to the people from Mt. Sinai and the second is about God speaking to the people within their own space. This led to an awesome conversation about "peak" experiences in our own lives, miraculous or very emotional events that makes us feel over-the-moon connected to God, which is like God revealing Godself at Sinai in such a massive way, versus our more common baseline experience with God where we have to search a little more to find God within ourselves, our daily lives, and the small moments around us.

Finding that subtle difference in nearly identical verses and being able to expound on that in a way that makes it completely relevant to our lives is just incredible to me. Never before in my life would I think the Torah portion on census could have anything to do with me! Judaism is so intellectual and so spiritual at the same time, and I remain smitten around every new corner. I never would have thought it possible to sit down with a clergy and have these kinds of conversations full of light-bulb moments.

Yes, I may be more settled and less dancing down the hallways, but I am building a deeper and more mature love every day. I hope my kids, who will be blessed to have the ability to take their Judaism for granted, can find and develop this same love.