Friday was Day 9 and I went in for my first monitoring sonogram and bloodwork. They usually monitor at Day 10, but they wanted me to see Dr. K who has been doing everything with me thus far, and she's at that site Tuesdays and Fridays. It's funny, I saw her as stern and too all-business the first time I met with her, and now I have this weird attachment to her. I want her to do everything in this process. I trust her and feel well cared for with her. I think it's because she has been confidently and competently in charge of a life-changing experience from the beginning, including operating on me herself for the cyst. It reminds me of my "abnormal" (according to my friends) attachment to my rabbi, who also led/accompanied me through a majorly transformative and life-changing experience. She is brilliant and well-loved by our entire congregation, so it's not just me - but the way I hold her on a pedestal is probably not so typical. Apparently I'm quite susceptible to attachment when I feel I can trust and be taken care of by someone. Is this some sort of strange maternal transference? Maybe I shouldn't open that can of psychological worms in this post!
So Dr. K did my initial sonogram and told me that she could see a few small follicles. Definitely not close to mature, which is normal at Day 9 (ovulation is around Day 14). She said I shouldn't need to come back before Monday, but the bloodwork would confirm. I got a call around noon that I could wait until Monday to return. Oh what a weekend!! You'd think it'd be torturous but it was actually highly enjoyable because it was going to end with something exciting, not a typical Monday morning. I was so happy and relaxed.
Monday morning I saw the physician's assistant. I had met with her after my stitches were removed to discuss next steps, so I was glad it was a familiar face. (Sidebar: I found it interesting that the PA has to sheathe and lube the sonogram wand herself. For Dr. K it's always prepped for her when she comes in. Oh the differences in status!) She is more emotive than Dr. K and exclaimed, "Oh you have a wonderful follicle growing on your right ovary. And your lining looks just beautiful!" My heart soared. I'm guessing seeing a healthy, functioning system is not super common at infertility clinics, and her broad smile made me so hopeful. I was called that afternoon and told that I was just beginning to "surge" and should come in again on Tuesday. This means the hormone that indicates imminent ovulation was being slightly detected. This made me very excited thinking it could happen by Wednesday.
Today (Tuesday) I went in and again had the PA. (There are two other male doctors in the practice that I could have seen; I was relieved that it was still someone who knew me.) She wasn't saying anything for a while and I started to get really nervous because of how quickly she had reacted on Monday. My fears were not baseless, as she then said, "Your follicle actually looks smaller today, that's really odd. It was 17mm yesterday and now is 16mm." My heart sank. In a matter of seconds before reassurance followed, I thought, "What does that mean? How could that happen? Am I not going to ovulate this cycle? Will this happen every time???" And then she said, "Oh, I was at the wrong angle. It's 18mm." Oh geez, lady, don't toy with my emotions!!
I asked her how big the follicle is at ovulation, and she said generally between 20 and 22 so I would most likely need to come back the next day. I accepted this, but there was a flicker in the back of my mind saying, "How could it be another day when I'm already starting to surge?" The word "surge" sounds like a sudden flow, not like something that drags out over days. I just felt like it would be Wednesday and thought to myself that I would wait til the bloodwork came back before making any assumptions about coming back. And sure enough, I got a call around noon telling me to go out to the Melville office for IUI on Wednesday! It was the PA herself that called this time, not a nurse, and as soon as I knew it was her, I knew we were a go. She said, "Hi, Rachel, it's _____" and I just knew. I squealed in delight and she congratulated me before telling me all the details.
Nicole has begun to get nervous this past week, but as soon as she knew it was a go, she suddenly became really excited. I'm so glad she could allow herself to feel excitement! She kept sending me sweet texts the rest of the day, like one asking where I thought my "little egg" was right now. When I got home, she offered to administer my hcg trigger injection, but I knew she was terrified and just trying to be supportive. I didn't want her to have to go through that if I had more confidence in doing it myself. So she oversaw it, helping me read the instructions and standing inches from me as I did it. It was cold and the pressure was uncomfortable and I just kept repeating, "You're worth it, you're worth it."
Tomorrow we are taking off of work and relaxing together all day. If it doesn't take this cycle, we probably won't be able to keep up a pattern like that, as we will likely become increasingly stressed and anxious. But if it DOES take...I want to always remember what a special day it was, how our baby was made in an atmosphere of love and relaxation, not with us going our separate ways and rushing off to the craziness of our work days.
I know we have a lot going for us that hopefully combats the low IUI success rate: sperm that is proven to be motile and make a successful pregnancy on the first try; my ovarian function is good; I already got "exploratory surgery" while my cyst was taken out to check for endometriosis and fibroids that most people don't get unless the first few cycles fail; I'm taking a trigger shot; we're going to do back-to-back IUIs Wednesday and Thursday if they have any doubt that I ovulated Wednesday. But this is me being optimistic, and I really have no idea whether it will work or not. All I can do is try to stay relaxed and send up a prayer for success, comfort, health, and peace. I would greatly appreciate if you would take a minute to do the same.
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