It is such a luxury that we could make this dream come true and that I could cherish all of the above privileges, but we had to revisit it a few times to make sure it was still doable as different things about our situation changed. In December, as we were stressing about this and discussing how we could get til May, my friend who lives in the neighborhood called to ask if I would consider babysitting her 18-month-old until the end of June. Her babysitter was moving to France, and he would now be on his third. She planned to sign him up for day care in September, but needed to get him through the end of this school year (she's a teacher). Her sister would be coming on Mondays to help out, so it would be Tuesday through Friday from 6:45 to 3:30 with a winter and spring break.
I was so anxious about how I would watch two babies - how I would get her to nap in a different environment when we were just now transitioning her to the crib instead of nursing to sleep on me, how my fussy high needs baby would tolerate being alone in a playpen for about ten minutes while I do the toddler's nap routine, how I would keep from going crazy without the ability to get out of the house all day. (No more driving randomly to the grocery store, going on play dates, etc.) I'm also not an experienced babysitter and was nervous about caring for a toddler. But my friend had faith in me. I was open about all these concerns, and she said she would do whatever she could to make it easier on me and that it would be an adjustment but we would be okay. She knew he would be safe and loved with me, and everything else would be on the job training.
It was worse than I thought in the beginning, but got better more quickly than I had anticipated. We have our routine now, and I didn't realize how much I needed that. I've been working since I was 15, and having open-ended, unstructured days was driving me out of my mind. I would try to make schedules for the week so that I didn't get that Sunday night pit in my stomach of what we would do all week. I have a very fussy baby if she isn't being entertained. She is active and social, and staying home leads to crankiness, but you can only make so many trips to the grocery store, and I didn't have money to be going to classes every day. Now we had somewhere to go every morning, a friend for her to play with, busy activity for me (coordinating their naps and his snacks and meals takes up most of my day; the busy work is good for me), just enough time afterward to do something together before dinner and bed, and Mondays off for everything else.
The Mondays off have been key to my sanity. I have one extra day before my work week starts to ease back into it after a full weekend. I can do some chores, have play dates with my mom friends whom I've missed since starting this gig, and spend some quality time with just Ellis. Working the rest of the week makes me so appreciate that day off together, and makes the time with her so high quality.
And I'm guaranteed to be home with her until after her first birthday in late May. I'll be looking for work starting in June, and hope to be back by late summer/early fall. I'm so excited! I'm going to miss her like crazy, and I can't imagine not being together all day. We are so attached. Because she's refused bottles and because I hate the pump enough not to push the issue even now that she's gotten more flexible, I really haven't been without her for more than an hour at a time. The idea of that separation is really hard for me, the same as I imagine it would be when she starts school. But I look so forward to having routine and structure to my days and weeks in the adult world, in the field about which I'm so passionate and have worked so hard to enter. I miss the office environment. I miss weekends and holidays and vacations feeling so special because they were so different from the norm.
I'm also really excited for Ellis to have the day care experience. I hope to use a small family day care rather than a large day care center, and the one I was looking into last year seems so wonderful. They provide a schedule of snacks and lunches online for parents to look at each week. They have a lot of outdoor time and free play as well as some structured activities. And she just so loves other children! The busy nature of day care as well as the social aspect are going to be so great for her. I actually prefer day care to a private babysitter for this reason. I don't just want someone watching her at home like I would do. I want her to have a different sort of experience, and then be able to come home as her home base. (If I was looking for childcare for her as an infant, I would prefer a babysitter where she gets the constant individual attention she needs. But her needs are changing as she nears toddlerhood.)
I don't feel guilty for going back to work, because I think it will be great for both of us. But I feel guilty for WANTING to go back. I feel like I'm supposed to say I'm just doing it because I have to, but that's not true. I do wish I had a job from 9 to 12 every day and got to spend more time with her in each day. But if I can't have it all, I would rather work outside the home than not. Fathers are never made to feel guilty for providing for their families and not being hands on at home all day, yet as mothers we are expected to feel or do differently. That bothers me, and yet even as I criticize it, I'm a victim of it. That's going to take some work.
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