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Friday, August 12, 2016

Back to Work

The day has finally come. Our goal was for me to be home Ellis's first year, and we made that. She is 14 and a half months, and I start my full-time job on Monday.

I'm so emotional. I was in denial for so long, until I went to visit the office and sign some documents. HR had said the earliest I would be able to start was the second week of August, due to all the clearances they would need. I told myself that organizations tend to be a bit chaotic, so it would probably be the third week, and since I would be going on vacation the week after that, maybe I could tell them that because of childcare, I couldn't start until after Labor Day. I chose the latest possible fingerprinting appointment, and stalled on bringing in my marriage certificate (they wanted it to prove my change of name since my diploma is in my maiden name, and asked that I bring it within a week; I waited exactly a week). Despite all this, when I went to visit the office, my new supervisor said he had already scheduled a client to see me on August 8, in case I wanted to come in for a day or two the week before to get acquainted before jumping in. That made it really real that I would be starting in A WEEK, and I cried the whole way home, and then off and on for several hours afterward.

It finally hit me, and I felt all the emotions. Anxiety and insecurity about the job weren't even at the forefront. It was all about leaving Ellis. Devastation at being separated from her so soon. Disappointment at all the things we would miss out on now that she's old enough to do more. Guilt and sadness at leaving her with other people the majority of her day and just getting her in time for dinner and bedtime routine. I wanted this baby SO BADLY, and tried so hard for her, and now I'm handing her over to someone else for most of her good hours, for most of her early life?? It feels so unnatural!

And then I remind myself that I've been relishing our time together in a way that isn't sustainable. We got a cleaning lady a few months ago, which has been critical to marital harmony. But I was using babysitting money to pay for this service, and we can't keep her if I'm not bringing in income. There is no room for it in our budget otherwise. And before we finally broke down and hired her, we spent most of a year fighting over cleaning. Ellis is high needs and clingy, crying and grabbing at my legs just while I make breakfast in the mornings. Cleaning has been next to impossible. I also just suck at it, to be honest. I can't keep a schedule, and I spend every day feeling guilty about all the things I SHOULD be doing and postponing them to the next day.

I remind myself that it's summer, and it's easy to be sentimental when we can be outside all day every day. Ellis is SO happy outside. I remind myself of what winter was like, feeling stir crazy and yet not knowing what to do with her in the cold. Dreading bundling us both up just to, what, go to the mall again? Another library? If I'm not working, we can't afford regular trips to children's museums and play spaces. We can't afford classes or groups. I felt a rock in my stomach every Sunday evening at the emptiness of the week ahead, not knowing what to do with her every day. I started to write out a schedule so I wouldn't go crazy, and some days it was just "dry cleaning and grocery shopping" and I didn't know what to do with the rest of that day. It's easy to forget that right now when I can just sit outside with her in the sunshine all day or go to the pool.

I remind myself that the grass is always greener. That with no change on the horizon, I sometimes felt an existential panic. That it's only with a deadline, an end in sight, that I'm panicking and appreciating every second. Living like I was dying, as the song goes. I don't care if I use a ton of gas driving to all the new parks and places. I don't care if I charge lunches on my credit card while we're out. It doesn't matter because soon our time is over. If it WEREN'T soon over, I would still have that Sunday evening knot in my stomach about how to fill our days, ALL THOSE HOURS, in the upcoming week. It's the deadline that's making every moment so precious. That's just the truth.

The reality of staying home with Ellis would include a lot of things that I spent a full year trying and failing to do. I wouldn't be able to afford to take Ellis places (not many free indoor places in the winter, and I really struggled with cabin fever last year) and would have to be really on top of housekeeping, which I kept telling myself I would get better at and just couldn't seem to. It just wasn't a lifestyle that was working for us. I'm going to miss my baby terribly, but I need to stop feeling anxious about my shortcomings and create a new normal that works better for our family and makes us all as happy as possible.

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The above was begun the weekend before starting my job, and I didn't have time to finish it, as so often happens when I try to sit down and write. Ellis is not a good sleeper, and I'm lucky if I clean up the kitchen and her toys and sit down with a snack and TV for an hour or two before she's up and I just go to bed for the night.

But now it's Friday of my first week at work. So the rest of my thoughts and feelings that were in anticipation are lost now, but I can write from a different place.

WE MADE IT.

Choosing a day care was tough, but I found a great spot walking distance from home. It's a licensed family group day care, a smaller and more intimate setting than day care centers. A space will open up after Labor Day, but she spent two days there while I was at new hire appointments, and she did so well. She had a blast with the other kids and the toys, she ate well, she napped well. This reduced my anxiety so much. She cried when I returned and clung to me nursing for a few minutes, but then wanted back down to play. She would just check periodically that I was still there and come back for a quick nuzzle occasionally.

We're piecing together childcare until September, and this week she went with my mother-in-law. I work 1-9 Mondays and Tuesdays, so I got a half day with her before dropping her off, which I loved. However, it made me feel BEYOND exhausted at the end of the day because I felt like I had a pretty full day of parenting, a full day of work, and then no time to unwind before bed and doing it all over again. But it was worth it to have two half days less of her being in someone else's care, and to have that extra time together. My wife put her to bed those evenings. She was in charge of the whole nighttime routine, which I know from experience is difficult by yourself. When Nicole would have late meetings in the city, I dreaded the evening, even though I was alone with Ellis all day just fine! Evening is just so much tougher on your own, between dinner and bath and bedtime. We have a good team routine set up.

Ellis had a tough time falling asleep without her usual routine, but the second night was already much better than the first. Nicole was a trooper, really coming through to help make our family's new life work. She just carried her straight to our bed (usually she spends her first few hours in the crib and we bring her in after the first or second wakeup so that everyone gets more sleep), and I came home and curled up next to her.  At her next wakeup, she couldn't believe I was there, and waved at me as she sleepily latched on and closed her eyes. It was just what we both needed. Bedsharing has become an incredible source of connection for us after a day apart, and I don't want to give it up anytime soon.

The 9-5 days were much easier, even though it meant a full day of babysitting for Ellis. I had so much more energy at work and got to enjoy our regular evenings at home as a family - because though I get Monday and Tuesday mornings with Ellis, I don't see Nicole really on those days.

On Monday, I dropped her off at my mother-in-law's and she had a really hard time. She was fine 20 seconds after I left, but that leaving is HARD and probably always will be. When I came home, she smiled at me and hugged me gleefully before asking to nurse. She then clung to me the rest of the time we spent there. Tuesday, she clung a little less. She did frequent check-ins, but wanted to play. Wednesday and Thursday, she was so secure that I could cry. She walked around the whole house, going into rooms where we weren't. She didn't think I was going to leave again, because I haven't been. She's observing the routine of our days now. She knows we'll spend a little time there, and then go home together. My mother-in-law said Ellis doesn't let her out of her sight during the day, wanting to be underfoot if my mother-in-law is trying to do a task, which is also how she's always been at home with me but not really with others. She transfers that right to my mother-in-law when I leave. But when we're both there, she's just so free.

I like our new normal. I'm enjoying my job and it keeps me busy enough that I don't just sit tearfully at my desk like I thought I would. It also helps knowing she's safe and loved and having a blast. The only thing I wish I could change is the amount of time. I do hate that it's time for dinner, bath, and bed when I get home. I wish I could be home by 2 or 3 and still have some playtime. But I'm grateful for the two full mornings a week we have to still go to music group and do other things together.

It's also hard to miss some things. I'm so lucky that I was home over a year and got all those major milestones. I'm beyond grateful. But in just a few days, she's already walking so differently! She has so much space at my mother-in-law's, and there's also a dog there she likes to chase and play with, so she's just had so much free practice. I came to get her Thursday and she was racing around like it was nothing. I wanted to cry thinking how that progress just happened and I wasn't there. I don't know how much I would have noticed it if I was there, it's the absence that makes it so obvious, but that makes me feel like I was gone for such a long time and missed so much!

Last weekend when I was getting emotional about going to work, I thought a few times, "This is just so unnatural! To hand over our small, developing children to someone else to take care of for the majority of their day." I knew that it was necessary for us. I knew that it was necessary for ME in so many ways. And I knew that non-primary caregivers have to work and aren't expected to feel that same strain. Nicole went back to work two weeks after Ellis was born. She's ONLY gotten evenings, weekends, holidays, and vacations with Ellis practically since birth! But it's not expected that that should feel so unnatural for her. It's just how life works. You gotta work to live. But at least she knew Ellis was home with me, and it would be easier on me too if I knew she was home with Nicole instead of in day care. There is so much great about this that makes me know rationally it's the right choice for us, and that Ellis will not only be fine, but thrive. But it does not come without serious emotional conflict.

The silver lining is I don't feel anxious about a single second with her anymore. I don't feel bored and then guilty about feeling bored. I don't feel antsy. Every hour is precious. I've been working since I was 15 years old, and having a routine and living for the weekends and holidays and vacations is comforting.

WE MADE IT. And we'll continue making it. Our family is healthy and whole and adaptable and solidly bonded. We're making it through life together, and it feels wonderful.

1 comment:

  1. At her next wakeup, she couldn't believe I was there, and waved at me as she sleepily latched on and closed her eyes.

    I CANNOT.

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