My Leap List

I was watching my one very guilty pleasure, "The Bachelor," and on yesterday's episode the participants were talking about "leap lists." Basically it was a bucket list for things they wanted to do before taking the next leap in their lives--in this case, marriage. This worked right into my planned next post, which I otherwise would have boringly entitled "Pre-Baby Goals."

My Leap List has gotten shorter as my baby fever has heightened. It's normal to realize the enormity of the sacrifices you will make by choosing parenthood. Any couple that is planning their family will likely ponder the impending changes parenthood will bring to their lives, but particularly couples who must use medical intervention to get pregnant. When you have to pay and schedule doctor's appointments to create a baby, you put a LOT of thought into it...we don't have the privilege of "oops" and planning as we go. Ever the seeker of silver linings, I see this as a blessing, a gift of time and careful planning.

When I was in my early twenties, I panicked so much at the loooong Leap List in front of me, so much so that I thought about not having children at all because I was afraid I'd resent them for all I'd have to give up. Now I can see that, for me, that meant I simply wasn't ready. The closer I am to being ready for motherhood, the less important many of those things seem...or at least the pressure of their immediacy eases.

My original Leap List probably would have looked something like this:
1. Road trip around Germany.
2. Zip line.
3. Stay at a Caribbean resort.
4. Travel overseas alone. (Check!)
5. Go white water rafting.
6. Travel to Italy.
7. Travel to South America.
8. Travel to Greece.
9. Travel to Costa Rica.
10. Buy a house.
And more!

My travel list has always been most important. I can't overemphasize how passionate I am about it...and I know it's the biggest thing I'll have to give up in having a family, aside from sleep, excessive me-time/solitude, and relaxed us-time.

Nicole and I have never been partiers. Our ideal Friday night consists of watching movies in our pajamas with a home-cooked meal. On weekends, we are in bed by 11:00 and awake by 8:00. So "settling down" in that sense won't be an issue for us like it seems to be for most people our age. But I cherish our independence and freedom, which brings me back again to travel.

Having children doesn't mean the world is closed off to me. I prioritize where I spend my money, and I'm a careful saver when I have a goal. I willingly shortchange other areas in order to afford travel, which I still cannot afford to do frequently. When I was 15, I begged my parents to let me go on a student trip to Australia and New Zealand for three weeks. They wanted to support me but didn't have the money, so they took out a small personal loan with the agreement that I would get a job and pay them back. I sought employment immediately, at one of the few places that would hire a 15-year-old, and for the next two and a half years, I only kept $20 out of every paycheck for myself; the rest went right toward that loan until it was paid off. It was worth every second of my trip, and my dad still says he's proud of how disciplined I was, without complaint. If I could do that as a teenager, I can definitely do that now.

What's frustrating to me is that I am just now entering an income bracket where I could begin to travel more. When I was 23, fresh out of graduate school and beginning my first job, I was making $20,000 less and struggling to make ends meet. I had a difficult time learning to live within my means, and put more on my credit cards than I paid toward them. I was 23. I was newly out of a relationship that I'd been in since I was 16, I had just come out as lesbian, and I had just decided to live in NYC in an apartment with my best friend. The world was mine...except that life's irony is that you can't afford it when you're young and free! I'm finally becoming financially comfortable and stable, but still have grown-up plans for my money before I can just jet around the world.

My Leap List now looks more like:
1. Go to an all-inclusive Caribbean resort while we are still youthful, new, and kid-free.
2. Pay off all credit card debt.
3. Buy a home.
4. Make a few long-weekend domestic trips (Provincetown, Boston, Philadelphia, D.C.)
5. Convert fully to Judaism.

It's not that I don't still want to do all those things from my original list...it's that my want becomes much less intense and frantic as my want for a baby becomes more so. I start to brush some things off: "Meh, we can travel more when the kids move out and our money frees up a little." "We can make a couple of major trips by ourselves for big anniversaries, leave the kids with our family." "We can make some of these smaller trips WITH kids...and in fact, it'd be a great family adventure."

As for the outdoor sports I want to do, Nicole isn't into them, so they'll actually become MORE realistic when I have kids. If I can wait about 10 years, I could take the kids upstate to go tubing together while Nicole holds our picnic basket. Ha! (I'll certainly be dragged to enough sports events where I'LL be the halfhearted attendee just wanting to spend time with my family.)

Nicole joked that she knew she was in trouble when I gave up Germany. I have dreamed of this trip for most of my life, and she knew we couldn't afford it for quite some time, especially since it's not a trip I want to cut corners on. I'm only going to do it once, and I want to do it right. A few weeks ago, I said, "You know what, maybe if we save for long enough, we could take the kids to Germany when they're old enough to enjoy it. And if not, we could just go ourselves for a special trip sometime." Nicole feigned panic and said, "These things that stand between us and kids are disappearing so quickly! Now that even Germany is off the list, there's not much left for me to hold onto to slow this down!"

I don't have money for it all. I don't have time for it all. And I need to save both money AND time to even plan getting pregnant.