Journey to Judaism

After going to services at Temple Tikvah for five weeks, we finally made an appointment to sit down with the rabbi and talk about where we are going with all this. It was a little awkward but so exciting because it felt like we were moving after almost a year of just talking about it.

Rabbi asked us about where we were coming from and where we hope to be heading. I explained that Nicole was raised with a little bit of the Jewish culture, mostly in the form of holiday traditions, but wasn't raised with religion. She has been uncomfortably seeking it for years, and it took being with someone who felt more sure of religion, more in practice, to help nudge her out of her comfort zone. Nicole knows how hard it is to scramble for religious roots after being raised with nothing, and she doesn't want our children to have the same struggle. Nicole doesn't even know how to pray, and she admires how at ease I am with it; she wants our children to be raised with the same comfort level I have from my own religious upbringing.

I then explained my own situation to Rabbi. I had been looking for my right fit since about age 19 or 20. It started with not being able to believe that Communion was the Body and Blood of Christ, which made me feel unable to identify as Catholic. Then I dabbled in other Christian denominations, looking for something that felt right to me, until I came to the realization that there were many basic Christian principles I didn't embrace. From there, I vacillated between identifying as agnostic and "just spiritual," not really ever knowing what that meant for me but being okay with the ambiguity. Upon meeting Nicole and developing a curiosity about her ancestry and traditions, I began to realize that Judaism was everything I COULD believe in...it had the basics that I grew up with, without the Christian additions that I wasn't comfortable with. Once I learned about Reform Judaism, which allowed for questioning and understanding things within their historical contexts and individual interpretations, I knew I'd found the right faith for me. Nicole's self-conscious desire for religiosity and spirituality fit well with my own new confident self-awareness, and there our journey began.

I told Rabbi that we have been talking about it for almost a year but had chosen not to move forward until after our wedding, which at that point was less than six months away. We knew one major change coming up in our lives was enough for now, and we didn't want to rush ourselves. Rabbi asked how that impacted our wedding, and I told her that we had accepted that our wedding would not be Jewish because it was too last-minute, and we didn't want to rush conversion for the sake of our wedding, that we want the process to be authentic. Rabbi said she appreciated that, and said the custom is that when someone asks to become a Jew, the rabbi refuses them three times. That's their way of making sure the person isn't going into it lightly and is committed. (That said, she didn't refuse us, so maybe Reforms don't have to...they just explain the significance  of the custom. I think our almost year-long journey in just the contemplation phase showed our seriousness.)

Rabbi said the next step would be for us to take a course of study in Judaism together. She said she knows we work over an hour apart from each other, but that it's really something we should do together rather than going to separate classes at separate places. I agreed wholeheartedly...I love the idea of homework together, and talking about what we learned. She said she will look for somewhere convenient for us that suits our schedule and let us know.

During this process, she would be our sponsoring rabbi and would meet with us once a month in the beginning, and more frequently toward the end. She said, "Sometimes I'll meet with both of you to talk about your reactions to what you're learning, and sometimes I'll meet just with Rachel." This sort of jolted me because it reminded me that Nicole doesn't really need to convert. We've known this all along but she has said she wants to go through the whole process because she knows very little about Judaism. Because of this, I'd let myself get really comfortable with the idea that it's both of us, but it's really not. It's like she's just auditing a class that I'm required to have to graduate.

After the course of study, I would have to do a mikveh, which is a full immersion into flowing water. Christians took the tradition of Baptism from this. (I always find the Judeo-Christian links fascinating.) It's a purity ritual that is also part of the conversion process. There are mikvehs all over Long Island that are set up like spas. You have to be completely naked because it symbolizes rebirth. In stricter forms of Judaism, clergy have to be in the room witnessing this, but fortunately most Reforms, including our rabbi, are satisfied with standing guard outside and hearing the splash of immersion and hearing you recite the associated prayer. The thought of this made me absolutely ecstatic, even as I knew it must be making Nicole's skin crawl.

After this, you have to meet with three learned Jews--our sponsoring rabbi and two other people. They consider themselves "gatekeepers" and basically just want to know that you understand the commitment you're taking on and that you're coming to Judaism of your own free will. Then there is a public ceremony.

Nicole just sat back and didn't talk much in this meeting, but I knew each one of these steps was freaking her out inside. She'd love to take a class and then a test and let that be that--naked bathing, being quizzed, and having a public ceremony would be enough to make her embrace atheism! So I said to Rabbi, "Just to clarify, since Nicole is Jewish by her mother, she wouldn't have to go through all these other steps?" Rabbi said, "No, she can choose what fits her. If she just wants to go through the course of study with you, that's absolutely fine. If she wants to go through the other steps as a recommitment to Judaism, she can."

As much as it scared me at first to be reminded of our separation, that she isn't really converting, it also became really exciting to me. I'm so enmeshed in other systems--my marriage, my family, my professional environment--that I don't really have anything that's completely my own. I don't even have a hobby that I indulge in independently. Our spiritual journey will be both shared and private, but conversion is my own, and I love that.