Medical Romance?

I used to wish with all my heart that we could spontaneously create life in the sanctuary of our own bed and each other's arms. I used to wish that we could have a passionate night where one of us whispers, "Let's just forget about protection tonight..." and the next morning excitedly freak out together, grinning as we wonder whether life has begun to form inside me. I used to wish we could say, "okay, let's start trying," and all that would mean is continuing our lives as usual, minus any contraceptive barriers.

At some point, without even realizing it, I let all that go. Babymaking became a medical process instead of a romantic or sexual process, and that was okay with me. It must have happened during the many months I've begun thinking seriously about conception...I've thought about it so much that it's become my norm. I often forget there are other easier/cheaper ways to get pregnant; I've been surprised more than once to find out someone "accidentally" got pregnant, whether it's a peer or a client. It's like I have to be reminded that that's even possible, that it didn't require extensive planning and financial hardship and time off work in order to happen.

It would be so easy to get caught up in self-pity or even resentment toward people for whom it seems so much easier and cheaper. It would be easy to feel bitter that we will have to pay over $500 every month for a vial of sperm and shipment from bank to clinic, when there are people who recklessly spill their free seed on a regular basis with disregard or even regret. But none of this seems relevant anymore. It's just not important. This is our process, and it has been in my mind this way for so long that I rarely stop to question it or compare it to others' processes. In fact, I probably view it more positively than, say, someone who has always thought or assumed they could conceive through sex and end up needing medical intervention. I would imagine there is some level of disappointment or frustration there that we won't experience because this has ALWAYS been the way it would be for us. It has always been our only option, never a last resort. For us, the disappointment/frustration would come in if we hit our insurance cap for fertility treatments and couldn't afford any more tries and had to give up the idea of pregnancy as a means to parenthood.

I like the idea of our little science experiment. I like the idea of giddily calling out sick when my ovulation test is positive and rushing to the doctor with Nicole. I like the idea of gripping her hand and smiling through my wincing while I'm inseminated. I even like the idea of sperm shopping! If we were medicalizing conception because of prior difficulties, maybe it would have a different feel. But we're going into it assuming health and fertility, and hoping that this will be a relatively quick process...and in that sense, I suppose we have much more in common with heterosexual couples than we ever thought.