Happy Mother's Day!

Last night we we went to Nicole's parents' for appetizers and drinks. My father-in-law had brought his mother  down from upstate, so some people were gathering to celebrate with her. Nanny is the only surviving grandparent either of us has. Aunt Sue and Uncle Anthony and their two daughters, Liz and Michelle, came over, and it was so nice spending time with them. I see them at large family events but haven't really spent any time just with them. They were so down-to-earth, and I told Nicole those are cousins I could see us enjoying raising children with, going to each other's events and celebrations. Nicole said they have always been her closest cousins growing up, and that she was so glad that I had this reaction to them. Both of them are in long-term relationships and are expecting to be engaged very soon, so we could actually be on a similar timetable.

Because of this, the conversation turned to children quite frequently. As always, I talked about how ready I am, and Nicole made jokes about how she would be ready in about five years. It's nice to have relatives reinforce for Nicole that you can't always start a family in such a linear fashion, with everything perfectly in place, and that we shouldn't let home-buying be such a hard and fast ultimatum for having babies. NYC has a crazy cost of living, and it's not typical for 28-year-olds to be able to afford their own home here. We may have to settle for buying a co-op (NYC's version of a condo, with slightly different rules) for five or ten years, so that at least we aren't just throwing money away into rent while we save. Or we may have to continue living in an apartment for a while longer and not put off having children until we own a home. The white picket fence isn't so realistic here, and that's the sacrifice we're making to stay where we love and have good jobs and protections and freedoms.

The biggest obstacle to babymaking would be if we move into Nicole's parents' basement apartment to save money. They continue to offer this, and I have continued to dig my heels in. I have a lot of pride around the independence I've achieved since moving to NYC at age 21, and the idea of "moving back home" is a really hard pill for me to swallow. I've been frank about this to Nicole's mom, and she was pretty hurt. She said that when she moved into this house, she hoped to be able to help her family by having that apartment (and she has - her mother lived there until she passed away, and Nicole lived there until she moved in with me), and that it is a little insulting that I would think of it as such a terrible thing to live there. I tried to explain to her that it's not that I don't appreciate the help, or that it's a terrible thing to have them upstairs. It's my own sense of being a successful independent adult in a grueling city, having struggled to survive but having moved up and up in my living spaces. I'm now in a spacious, fully furnished two-bedroom with a little balcony and gorgeous sunny windows. Going from that to a basement apartment with one bedroom, a tiny kitchen, and tiny windows near the ceiling is just a hit to my pride. It doesn't mean I won't suck it up to save money and do what's best for us in the end, but I can't lie and pretend it's an ideal solution. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but my reaction is just there.

If we don't have somewhere by the time our lease is up again, February 1, this is what we've decided our next step is. Our landlord isn't respecting the rent-stabilization of our apartment, and raised our rent more than he was supposed to when we renewed this year. We don't want to have another increase next year and even less to put away toward a house. We really need a larger down payment, and we can't save that much while living here. If we moved to her parents', we could save at least $1000 per month more toward a house. That's pretty significant. I'm just having difficulty with the idea of moving our lives into a more cramped arena, with little natural light (a BIG deal for me), and much worse, the idea of moving AGAIN. I haven't lived anywhere more than two years since moving to NYC. I'm constantly packing, and haven't even bothered to hang anything on the walls in the past few years. I'm just tired and ready to be settled. The idea of a temporary move makes me feel exhausted and discouraged.

On top of that, I know this move would delay baby plans. We could try for a baby while in our current apartment, but not while in the small one-bedroom apartment at her parents'. Moving there means for sure waiting until we have a house, which could be another year. Not only would it not be comfortable, but the money it's going to cost us to try to conceive - well, spending that every month would defeat the purpose of our packing away extra money toward a down payment by living there in the first place.

I honestly don't know which I'd prefer. If we do a co-op, we could start trying a year or so sooner, which really makes me lean toward this option. But I also think it's dumb to let a year's delay keep us from getting a house. If just a year of that extra saving can get us somewhere where we can have a swingset and a vegetable garden, instead of a park and a shared courtyard, isn't that worth the wait? If we buy a co-op, we're stuck there for a few years, at least. The housing market will only be improving, selling is difficult and messy, and our kids will be growing without a backyard. Millions of kids grow up happily in NYC without backyards, but I can't let go of that dream.

I'm really not sure what to do. I guess for now we will just keep looking and seeing what's out there, and hope that the answer will be clearer as we near the end of the year.