To work or not to work?

I have so many conflicted feelings about returning to work after having a baby, which certainly isn't a unique struggle. I know that not going back at all isn't an option for me. I feel very strongly that what I'm doing is my calling, and that my two currently nonexistent children aren't more important to the world than the dozens I serve every day. I owe it to these children who don't have stable, loving environments, and I owe it to the world and to my generation's future to help these kids find their way to being productive, healthy adults. No part of me can reconcile stepping back from that to focus on just two kids, at the expense of so many others. This was part of my struggle when for a few years I thought I might not want to have children, and part of my deal with myself when I went back to wanting them was that I would have to be able to continue my work with adolescents.

I've been a supervisor for seven months. In that time, I've helped secure life-changing services and resources for a transgender teen that he was not getting while with the previous supervisor. This kid, for me, represents why not going back to work isn't an option to me. He represents why I don't just feel replaceable, that anyone could fill my shoes and the kids would be just as well off. MY presence, as Rachel, matters. (I don't think anyone could make it long in social work if they didn't believe that.)

I also need it for me, if we're being honest here. I know myself well enough to know that, for my own psychological well-being, I need something that's completely mine, separate from my family. Something I enjoy and value and take pride in and feel competent in. I've been working since I was 15, and it has always served this purpose for me. As much as I want to be home with my babies, I don't know how well I'd hold up without having that outlet.

With that said, I wish I could have my cake and eat it too. My dream would be to work part-time, about three days a week. I feel this way for many reasons:

1. I would love to do all the yuppie mother/baby activities, like baby yoga or mother/baby swimming at the YMCA or playgroup. Those kinds of things are SO appealing to me as fun ways to bond (and I feel like the social aspect would be great for both of us). Working five days a week would leave no time for this - or energy, for that matter.

2. Weekends are already hard with two working NON-parents because it's our only time to go grocery shopping, clean the apartment, and do laundry. On top of that, there are always family or other events to go to, and there will be even more as more babies enter our friends' and family's lives. It would be so nice to have a couple of days during the week to be able to knock these things out, and have weekends free for relaxed family time.

3. It's going to fly. Everything does. I feel like I'm constantly trying to grasp moments as they whiz by me, and I'm sure the hardest of all will be my baby's development. I don't want to miss anything. In a way this is an unfair sentiment, because the working parent will always be the one forced to make this sacrifice, and must feel similarly.

Part-time work might be a pie-in-the-sky dream considering the cost of living in NYC, but it's a possibility that we continue to talk about. This isn't something I could do at my current agency, so it has had me looking around just to know what's out there. I don't plan on leaving my agency until I feel I have to, because I love it. I make good money compared to similar positions at other agencies; I have great benefits including five vacation weeks, Jewish holidays off, a pension, and a full sick bank that I can use toward maternity leave; I love the atmosphere of my office and the people I work with; I want at least two years' experience as a supervisor so that I have that on my resume without looking like I ran from it or couldn't handle it; I'm HAPPY.

However, coming home between 6:30 and 8:00 is not going to fly when I have my wife and baby at home. Nicole works a steady 8-4 schedule. She will always be able to pick the baby up and be home by 5:00 latest. She'll cook dinner, feed the baby, give the baby a bath. Then I'll come in and kiss the baby goodnight and put her to bed. This thought makes me so sad that I can't even handle it. A half hour bonding with my child is not okay. Granted, if I can leave right at 5:00, I'm home just after 6:00. But that isn't reliable, and when we move out to Long Island, my commute will get longer. 7:00 doesn't even sound THAT bad, but only having evenings together makes every hour count.

As I've looked around, I've noticed a few openings for social workers within the health system where Nicole works. She says they're very hard to get, and they are no longer allowed to refer people or give any kind of boost to people they know, but I'm confident in my skill set and I think I'd have a good shot. The positions themselves were very appealing too. They would utilize the administrative skills that I'm learning, while also allowing me to do some counseling, write psychosocials, etc. - the real social work skills that I miss using. And they are at a hospital, so it's a pretty 9-5 schedule. And I wouldn't have to be on call every few months. And I'd be on Long Island and could drive to and from home within a half hour. The salary would probably be comparable, with less room for movement within the organization, and I'd have the added expenses of a car, but that's fine with me. Just to leave at 5:00 every day, not have to work weekends, and not have to be on call would add so much to the quality of my time with my family that I wouldn't mind having less expendable income. We can live on a little less than we're currently taking in.

None of this would be an issue until it's time to come back from maternity leave, but I like knowing what's out there. It's a relief to be able to imagine a regular working schedule where I could get home not long after Nicole and spend time with our little family. Child welfare is the most stressful (and most underpaid) field of social work, and I know that making that move to helping people (hopefully still adolescents) in a different capacity would be much welcomed for me. I've done my time in foster care, and what I've learned about healing trauma is an invaluable tool that I can take with me to any other field of social work. There are traumatized people in hospitals, in schools, in courts - everywhere. I think separating myself from the child welfare system is the best middle ground I can find - continuing to help heal people in order to work toward a healthier world, while also being able to prioritize the needs of my family.