Last year, this holiday fell in mid-May, just a month after my conversion. The holiday holds so much significance to me personally as a Jew-by-choice, and I became so emotional in the service last year. I had full-on tears streaming down my face during several parts of the service, and my rabbi came up to me immediately afterward to check in with me and hug me. I told her it felt like coming out of the mikvah again, that feeling of being overwhelmed by awe and gratitude. It made sense to me that it was such an intense day for me then, but I don't think I expected this to hit me with the same power over a year later!
The holiday began the previous evening with Tikkun Leil Shavuot, a traditionally all-night study session that we do for a few hours. It's traditional to eat dairy on this holiday and people usually make cheese blintzes or cheesecake. I went a little nontraditional and made a tres leches cake, which earned rave (and heartwarming) reviews. We read the book of Ruth with discussion, and then Cantor and Rabbi each taught from it using a different perspective. We got so caught up in conversation that we went way over the time and had to stop ourselves. Then we went to the sanctuary for a brief ritual wherein we talked a little about the Ten Commandments (such as how the first half is about belief in God but the second half is about how we treat others, showing us that how we live is even more important than how we believe). We ended by passing around a Torah scroll so we could each have our moment holding it. It was a simple but powerful little ceremony that made me understand why people study all night in preparation for spiritually receiving Torah. This felt like pausing a movie at the critical climax to go brush your teeth and go to bed before resuming it the next day!
I took the bus to temple, though Nicole had offered for me to drop her off at work and take the car. I liked doing something a little different, something that required a little more effort than how I usually get to temple. It made me feel like I was making a bit of my own trek to Sinai. I thoroughly enjoyed the 10 to 15 minute walk up to the road with the bus I needed; I smelled the flowers, heard the birds and mowers, felt the breeze, watched people gardening. Then I got to temple early and was the first one in the sanctuary. I just sat there soaking up God and letting myself feel that gratitude and wonder, and I was soon crying before it had even begun! I got pulled back out of it as people started coming in, but then had a few other breakdowns throughout the service, just feeling the enormity of how Judaism has impacted me, how very fortunate I am to have taken every step in my life that led me to where I am now and to this beautiful discovery that has changed my life.
I left feeling utterly at peace. The intensity and excitement and anticipation leading up to my conversion versus my life since then reminds me of planning a wedding versus settling into the actual marriage. Things have calmed down, I feel settled and secure and comfortable. I even come to take it for granted because it's my normal now. I really appreciate having an opportunity, at least once a year, to reflect on that period when I formally chose Judaism and made my own commitment. It's beautiful to continue having a communally sanctioned opportunity to recommit and to not take it all for granted for at least that one day, but to thank God for having brought me here and given me something so dear to me. It's a chance to really appreciate my community, my clergy, my faith, my traditions, and my life in a newly refreshed way.
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