Discovering her "Dibling"

Shortly after Ellis was born, we signed up with the Donor Sibling Registry. You create a profile and include your sperm bank and donor number, and matches are flagged for you. We were quite disappointed that there were none for us. Then in the spring, we got an email from a single mother by choice who had just registered her daughter, and we came up as a match. She asked if we wanted to meet up, and we said of course!

Since then we've emailed off and on, frequently sometimes and then long periods of time without. They live in central New Jersey, and we discussed possibly meeting at a playground or park midway over the summer. Life was busy as always, and plans never materialized. Ellis's first birthday went by in May, and the other baby's in August. We finally both got deliberate about making plans in November, and last weekend we met up at an indoor play space for toddlers in Hoboken, NJ.

I wasn't sure what to expect. When we first emailed, I mostly noted her lack of personable communication. She was very straightforward, not as exuberantly emotive as I was with exclamation points and smiley faces. I do read a lot from that kind of thing, and wondered if she would be warm, and how this relationship would look.

The meeting was wonderful! Conversation was natural for the most part, and it was fun to watch the girls together. They're only three months apart, so they were doing a lot of the same things. The other baby is more physical, walking at an earlier age than Ellis was crawling, but is saying only a handful of words whereas Ellis picks up three to four new words every day. Their personalities were also night and day. We have a spirited, high needs kid that has the two of us juggling and barely able to eat our own meals when we have her at a restaurant, because she does not want to be in the high chair for any longer than she has to to eat. You'd better be willing to have her on your lap and walk around while waiting for the food, and when she's done eating, you'd better be done too! At lunch, the other baby sat in her high chair completely content the whole meal. In their strollers, Ellis fussed loudly demanding to either be moving and going outside, or else let out. The other baby just sat and chilled in her stroller no matter where we went or how long we stopped, until she was taken out. I'm glad for her sake, as a single mom without family nearby, that her baby is so much more easygoing!

I appreciate that she lives just far enough away that we neither of us would have the expectation of frequent meetings. It took us this long just to organize one! I had looked her up on Facebook to see what she looked like (we had exchanged photos of the girls, but not of ourselves), but intentionally did not send her a friend request. We seem to have a mutual unspoken understanding that we don't want to get TOO friendly. For me, that's because of the fear that it could go sour, and what that would mean for our kids. Yes, it's nice for us as adults to connect over our experiences too - but we can do that with anyone in our situations. The fact that we used the same donor does not really enhance that. But our kids, this is their life. This is their chance to know other people with shared genes and similar conception stories. That is the focus and the priority. Being friendly and in touch but not too enmeshed is the perfect place to be. We had a great time, and we'll do it once or twice a year so the girls grow up knowing who they are, and can then make the choice to have more contact when they're older if they choose. I suggested exchanging holiday cards which they can kind of "collect" from each other as they grow up, and that idea was met with enthusiasm.

I'm so glad we're establishing this connection for Ellis!

Brave New World

Last fall, I watched a reality show on MTV (whose target population is, of course, adolescents) called “Generation Cryo,” in which a lesbian couple’s daughter went on a search for her sperm donor and her biological half-siblings. Not only was I fascinated at learning how this impacted the different children and how a parent could best support them, but I was so moved at the realization that “donor kids”around the country could see themselves, their families, and their experiences reflected on a TV show. And their peers could be exposed to such an alternative family structure and begin to see it as not so abnormal, opening up opportunities for conversation and disclosure.

My wife and I are also watching “The Fosters,” which appeals to me both as a queer woman and as a social worker in foster care. It amazes me that there can be a show on ABC Family, targeting middle school and high school kids, showing a blended family with same-sex parents, not to mention the real complexity of co-parenting with an ex-husband, incorporating teens in foster care into the family unit, and wanting biological parenthood for the partner who has never given birth. The network doesn’t shy away from the real details of this, either. The parents do not act like friends or roommates. There is just as much physical affection, cues that sex is about to happen, and fighting as would be included in any other family TV show. The show even delves into some areas that are specific to queer couples, such as the tendency to stay friends with exes and the jealousy that can create for the current partner. They have it right on.

But this isn’t just about me seeing ourselves reflected on TV (though it’s ridiculously validating, I admit!). It’s about the exposure for people to whom this type of family and life is otherwise foreign.

Read the rest here

Donor Selected!

And we have seed!!!

Well, technically we don't have it yet. And technically we aren't 100% sure that it is still available. But we know what we want and are hoping for the best, and will cross any other bridges when we get to them.

Last Thursday, we went out to dinner with our fellow lesbian-couple friends A&A who have a 20-month-old and a 3-year-old. The little one was conceived by an anonymous donor, and the older one was conceived using a known donor. Our friends were asking us about where we were in the whole process and we told them we had begun looking at donor profiles. We told them a bit about the main traits we were looking for, and they both jumped in excitedly to say that our description matched their little one's donor and they would have no weirdness around us using that donor as well.

Nicole and I looked at each other and knew right away that we were on the same page with this - an immediate excitement and sense of "oh YES, of course, this is right!!" None of us were uncomfortable or weirded out by it, and in fact we all felt a sense of comfort in knowing we'd know at least one other child born of this donor, as opposed to just having no idea. We were also in instant agreement that our kids would not be raised with any sense of being siblings or half-siblings, but also not planning on hiding anything from them. It will just always be what it is - hey, your friend N had the same donor as you. Cool. And they just are never, ever allowed to date! :)

So we have our sperm - Jewish, dark hair and eyes, college-educated, of both Eastern and Western European descent, pretty solid health history, and willing to be known by the child when the child turns 18 if the child so wishes. Everything that has been important to us! And on top of that, it's at a sperm bank that is a little cheaper than the others we've been looking at, and we didn't have to pay to view the profiles or the baby photo. Our friends had already done that and showed us on their phone at dinner.

The donor is from California and was just donating while in school here in NYC. I like that he probably isn't still donating in NYC, and if he is still donating, it is probably now in California. However, this also means we don't know if there is still a supply from him here. But we are certainly excited and hopeful!

I love, love, love the nontraditional ways of queer family-making. It can be so communal and loving and supportive, and I just adore it.

The Defeat of DOMA and the Jewish Response

A few weeks ago, two days after my birthday, the Defense of Marriage Act which permitted federal discrimination against LGBT individuals, denying hundreds of rights, was repealed. For anyone emotionally invested in this decision and on the edges of their seats for months, they will always remember where they were when they heard that Wednesday morning.

There is much work still to be done. There are too many states where discrimination against same-sex individuals and couples is still legally sanctioned. But it is HUGE that we are now federally protected. This ensures safety for us in so many arenas that were previously denied. Disturbingly, soooo many people I know had not even heard of DOMA and thought the state legalization had solved everything.

At that Friday's Shabbat service, Rabbi worked this into her sermon. She spoke about that week's Torah portion, which just happened to be about four sisters who stood up to a law that would deny them their deceased father's inheritance since there were no sons. They didn't meekly plead, but they also didn't create a ruckus. They just said, "we should get this, and this is why." They defended their case. They were assertive and wanted justice. Moses appealed directly to God, who said that the sisters were right and the law should be changed.

Rabbi expounded on this to say that God WANTS us to challenge laws if they are unfair. (Oh look, a basis for Reform Judaism in the Torah!!) Laws were created for a certain purpose, with intentions to be protective and just, but if they ever become unjust as circumstances and times change, we have a right and a responsibility to amend them. This is much of what I love about Reform Judaism (along with, among other things, wanting people to keep ritual observance meaningful rather than just doing what is proscribed by religious law even when it is habitual and unmeaningful).

Rabbi related this to the ordination of women, and then in the end brought up DOMA. She said, "Some say same-sex relationships are wrong because of what is written in the Torah. I say God has been waiting for us to make it right."

This is not just unique to our amazing rabbi. In synagogues across the country, communities celebrated and rabbis addressed this in their sermons with joy and satisfaction. It wasn't just gay people celebrating, but Jews. For Jews, any gain in social justice is a communal gain.

Do you understand why I feel so in love and at home?

<3

Speaking Pride, Acting Invisible

Last night we went to Nicole's cousin's engagement party. As seems to be Long Island/NYC tradition, it was  a lavish affair despite the family being very middle-class. People really stretch their pockets for these kinds of things here and it is such a culture shock from what I grew up with. Whether you want to attribute that to my southern background or being raised by one parent from the midwest and another from rural upstate New York, it's all the same as far as this goes. We are modest, humble people, and while these are beautiful events, I've been to enough by now to know it's the norm here and that it will be a struggle for me someday when it's for my own child who will expect what they see around them. Especially because I married a Long Islander (and into a family here) for whom this doesn't seem so crazy, so I feel like I will be the only one thinking it doesn't make sense to go broke for parties.

But anyway...those are feelings that come up with every engagement party, bridal shower, baby shower, First Communion, etc. that I attend, so I will try to check my conflicting emotions and stick to the topic.

At the party (which was complete with a seated 5-course dinner, DJ and dancing, favors, table assignments, open beer and wine bar, personalized menus, centerpieces, a sweetheart table, and a "practice" father-daughter dance) Nicole and I kind of sat back during the dancing and frivolity. We generally do, because it's never comfortable to be the one same-sex couple on the dance floor at someone else's main and very heterosexual event. Neither of us are extraverted or enjoy dancing, so it's typically not that difficult. But when a slow song comes on and we get kind of mushy, we usually just look at each other but don't get up and dance. We know we aren't in an environment where everyone is necessarily comfortable with gayness, and we don't want to draw attention at someone else's party. We don't want someone's engagement to have shadows of "there were two GIRLS dancing together there, who were they, are you related to them??"

About an hour before the end of the party, the DJ invited alllll couples up to the dance floor while he played "Unchained Melody" (also known as the song from Ghost). I told Nicole that if enough people truly went up there and I felt we could blend in, then I'd want to dance. So the floor soon got crowded and we went up there. About five seconds later, Nicole's 19-year-old cousin and his boyfriend joined, coming up right next to us, and I immediately felt shame for not having come up sooner. This kid was 16 when we our engagement made him feel he could finally come out (not to anyone's surprise, but to his father and brother's not-unexpected levels of almost cruel disapproval where they still use the term "faggot" in everyday conversation). He looked up to us and used us as his litmus test for what he could expect to experience. Seeing the warm reception that his big cousin Nicole got when we got engaged made him feel like he could be warmly accepted and loved by his extended family, if not by his own father and brother. At our wedding, he was near tears as he told us how happy he was for us and how we had changed everything for him.

And now, here we were modeling shame, or at the very least discomfort, at probably the first big family event where he has actually found the courage to bring a date, much to his father and brother's chagrin. All it took was our bit of reassurance to give him the freedom to enjoy dancing with his boyfriend like he'd probably wanted to all night.

I told Nicole as we danced that we have to be better about that and less scared or less desirous of being invisible. We knew her cousin was right there at our table and we didn't even think about the impact our behavior would have on him, the example we were setting without knowing it. Imagine in a room of less familiar people where we don't know who is out there, what young kid might be struggling with feeling comfortable in their own skin. As confident adults, we have a responsibility to be ourselves where it is safe to do so. We don't have to be anything we aren't - we will NEVER be cutting a rug on a dance floor for hours - but intentionally avoiding something we want to do because we don't want to make waves, essentially apologizing for our existence, is not something we want to model for anyone. And we certainly don't want our kids one day to feel a sense of shame from us - "All the other married people are dancing to this slow song, why aren't you?" Yeah no. It's not just about us.