Post-Sandy Shabbat

Services were cancelled last week in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, and resumed this week despite the synagogue not having full power and having no heat. We huddled in the library where they had set up space heaters, and everyone stayed snuggled in their coats until the room warmed up. I LOVED this service.

Seeing people huddled in one room, with a small ark that could only hold one Torah, and an oneg table set up in the same room instead of in the reception room outside the sanctuary - it just felt so makeshift, and yet just as holy as in any other setting. It immediately brought to mind how Jews still observed Shabbat and holidays and rituals even when persecuted. How while fleeing Egypt and in the Holocaust, they would honor Shabbat as closely as possible even while in hiding and in concentration camps and in the wilderness. In our own much less serious situation, the sense of community did not change despite the fact that we were small and cold and crowded, and in fact I actually felt a stronger sense of community than ever before. We were all absorbed in our own post-disaster struggles outside of temple, but we were still able to come together with a spirit of celebration.

It was a smaller group due to the circumstances, and in a very small space. I would think this would make me less of a participant, because I tend to feel self-conscious about it in general since I still feel like somewhat of an outsider and am still learning everything that is going on. I would think being in a smaller group would make me even more aware of myself because I can't hide. But it did the opposite. I sang louder than I ever have, and I chanted loudly and with confidence. Chanting is difficult because you have no way to know where the inflections are except by becoming familiar with it. After ten months of services, I am finally able to join in, and it is AMAZING. I used to follow along in the English because there just wasn't much other way for me to participate. This time I chanted in Hebrew, and FEELING that was more important than knowing the words I was saying.

One of my closest friends, Allyson, who is an observant Conservative Jew, surprised me the other day by telling me that she isn't fluent in Hebrew and that most non-Orthodox Jews aren't. She said Hebrew school is mostly for learning how to read the Hebrew letters (right now I'm reading the transliteration) but that they don't just speak it to one another, and though they may know enough to get the general gist, most Jews in services don't understand every word spoken. I wrestled with this, wondering what the point is of praying, singing, and chanting in a language you don't understand. Last night I understood. There was something about being a part of worship with an entire community that felt so amazing. And "amazing" is a generic word I'm using because my vocabulary is too limited to find the word that encompasses the experience for me.

I remember Rabbi telling us early on that the biggest part of feeling ready for conversion is when you go from seeing the Jewish community as "they" to seeing them as "we." Last night I felt such a part of it, and that clicked for me. I didn't feel like such an observer. I felt comfortable and moved and connected. I have been feeling increasingly more comfortable, of course, but that service was essentially the "breakthrough" moment for me. Since the last service we attended on 10/19 (10/26 was my best friend's birthday celebration, and the next week was the hurricane), I have started my Intro to Judaism course (10/25) and have done SO many readings. These readings have been incredible, but they have also had me intellectualizing Judaism. I've been craving this for many months, and have enjoyed the opportunity to stretch my brain, to wrestle with God, the Torah and Judaism, and to reflect on all this in my journal, which has always been my most natural and comfortable mode of expression. But without services, the emotional and spiritual piece was separate, without my even realizing it. I've been at a distance from it, curious and fascinated and eager, but not connected. Feeling at home, comfortable, and revived in our own temple with our beloved rabbi, at our first Shabbat service since beginning the course, completed the circle for me.

I feel so happy, at peace, and where I'm meant to be.