Intro to Judaism - Week 14

What does it mean to be "too" observant? To take religion "too far"? I would imagine it would have something to do with infringing on the rights and freedoms of others, but my journey to Judaism has allowed me to observe that it can take much less than that. It seems to be more about the comfort level of the other person.

None of these people I use as examples read my blog, but I will refrain from naming my specific relationship to them in order to protect how they are perceived. With the exception of one, the individuals I will refer to are Jewish themselves, with varying levels of observance. They are people I work with, family I married into, and friends. All of these individuals (with the exception of the one who is not Jewish) started out very supportive and even pleased. They eagerly asked questions, they smiled, they told me how wonderful it was that I was converting, they told me to go to them with any questions or, if they weren't too observant or informed themselves, said they looked forward to learning more through me.

One person was thrilled to learn that I was converting but raised her eyebrows when I spent most of Yom Kippur in services, because "even I don't do that...it's rare that I even go to one."

Another joked affectionately that, "You're becoming more Jewish than me!" A few months further into my journey, there was a discussion about Shabbat observance and my decision to work only on Sundays rather than Saturdays and to only take weekday on-call shifts. The reaction became less amused and more suspicious, concerned almost. Skeptical about why I would make that change in the workplace, how I would explain it to others, "you really will NEVER work on a Saturday?"

A secular Jew couldn't believe that I wasn't "giving Santa" to my kids and flat-out said, "You're really taking this too far."

A pretty observant Jew assured me that this is an intense time and that I'll "settle in" a while after I've converted. It felt like the implication was that my current level of observance, which I personally hope to increase over time, is really just a quaint phase that I'll grow out of. And she said it as if it would be comforting to me, as if the intensity was a stressor for me.

Another said, "Even I put up a Christmas tree! It's really not that big of a deal."

Another said, "If I wasn't already Jewish, I don't know that I feel strongly enough about anything to actually convert. I do want my child to get a sense of my culture as a Jew, but I don't know that we would actually belong to a synagogue." I've actually had that said to me by two different people who don't know each other. (And it's fine that they feel this way - they just seemed so surprised that I felt strongly about it.)

My non-Jewish peer engaged me in conversation around my conversion initially, teasing but intrigued by my decision, but now is beginning to say, "Really? You really plan to ____? Oooookay...." It's suddenly uncomfortable to have this discussion that used to be so spirited. Interest and curiosity has turned into something close to suspicion.

I'm not even doing that much at this point, at least in my opinion. I'm committing to the celebration of Jewish holidays at the exclusion of other religious holidays, but that seems logical in the context of conversion. I'm reading a lot. I'm observing Shabbat in a pretty darn liberal sense. I'm just beginning to truly participate in community activities with my synagogue - barely scratching the surface - and that too is not unusual for anyone affiliated with a faith-based organization.

What is "going too far"? What does that mean? God forbid I should go kosher or something!

I feel like many people are okay with me "going Jewish" as long as I don't "take it too far." At what point do my personal practices and beliefs make others uncomfortable? And why? And what is that supposed to mean for me? I already had a strong value system, and Judaism is only making it stronger. Why is this such a source of discomfort for others? Shouldn't it be more concerning if I started treating people with LESS kindness and patience? Or if I cared LESS about my impact on the world?

If I identified as Jewish but didn't practice, would that make others more comfortable? If I celebrated major holidays but didn't go to services every Friday? If I went to services every Friday but still worked on Saturdays? At what point does it cross the line with someone else's comfort zone? And why???

I'm still me. Yes, some of my traditions and practices are changing, but that happens for people for many reasons throughout their lives. It seems to unsettle people for me to be less like them. Jewish peers, colleagues, and relatives thought it was sweet in theory that I was joining their community - but the reality of it, if the result is my observing differently or more strictly, seems almost to be threatening.

I get it being an adjustment - all change is. I think it's the discomfort, and even disapproval, that is so unsettling to me, especially among those who were initially excited for me.

I'm grateful for the conversion books I've begun reading because it is starting to normalize this experience, and the amazing one I'm reading now may even help explain it when I get to that chapter. I sure could use some insight in that area.