I have always connected to Israel because it's part of my history too. As a Catholic, it was the Holy Land. As far back as I can remember, we read in both the Old and New Testament about cities such as Jerusalem, Canaan, Galilee, Bethlehem, and Nazareth. Without a core cultural identity to any other family roots in Europe (we are such mutts!), ancient Israel was my root. The fact that those places really - and still - existed always fascinated me, because it made that history so alive. Though my ancestors eventually chose to follow Jesus and identify as Christians, we come from the same beginnings and the same people. I, too, am a blood descendant of Abraham and Sarah.
Where it differs for me as Jew-by-choice is that I have always identified with Israel as representative of ancient history, without much interest in or connection to its present or its future. I always wanted to travel there, but to feel a part of my history, not so much out of an interest in current life there, the people, the food, the social issues. Forming this identity is slow and ongoing, and I doubt I can ever feel the exact same connection as a born Jew because I did not grow up with its relevance. I'm okay with that, because it's who I am and where I came from and makes me who I am now. My journey does not have to mirror that of a born-Jew, and I don't see how it could. I think that makes my contribution to the community - the contribution of all Jews-by-choice - valuable in its own right because we have a different experience of our own that also matters.
Ironically, last Monday afternoon I ended up in a conversation with a woman who identified herself as Arab, while I was on the Long Island Railroad heading to meet with my rabbi. She was reading Entertainment Weekly over my shoulder and saw the article about the movie Argo. She asked me if I had seen it and then went into a monologue about how she wasn't surprised that it won Best Picture because Hollywood is run by Jews and they love anti-Arab films. See also: The Hurt Locker (2010 Best Picture). See also: Zero Dark Thirty (2013 Best Picture Nominee) I felt very ill-prepared for this conversation, and admittedly more than a little uncomfortable.
This wasn't a privileged Gentile speaking, so while I felt a little defensive, I also didn't know at all what this Arab-American woman's experience is, and struggled with speaking out as a person who technically isn't a part of either minority. We can have a whole discussion here about how I failed at "casting my lot with the Jewish people" by not outing myself as a Jew-to-be, but I had that conversation extensively with my rabbi that same afternoon and don't feel the need to revisit that in writing right now. What I want to talk about here is my lack of ability to identify with Israel in that moment. I didn't know that the idea of Jews "running" Hollywood was even a thing. I also didn't know much about Jew-Arab relations in general. This ignorance made me feel separate from Jews in a way I haven't in quite some time. It made me feel defensive of a people who are dear to me more so than defensive of myself. However, I did not want to discount her own painful history as an Arab-American out of my uninformed defensiveness. All of this internal conflict contributed to my silence.
What I wanted to say was that I didn't get why she was placing so much focus on whether Jews and Arabs like one another, and none on the fact that our country as a whole would probably be pretty okay with not having either of us around - or at least not too loud, or too successful, or you pick the area where it may feel threatening and draw criticism and prejudice. But are those thoughts from me as an objective person interested in social issues rather than the personal opinion and reaction as a Jew-to-be? If I had been born a Jew, I imagine my reactions may have been quite different. The defensiveness and discomfort that washed over me may have been experienced in addition to other more painful or intense emotions. I likely would have heard this stereotype about Jews in Hollywood many times already, and may have just rolled my eyes and challenged it without taking it too seriously. I may have had more facts and knowledge in my arsenal about this subject and been able to engage in an intellectual conversation that challenged both of us to open our minds.
But I didn't. My connection to Israel is newly forming and tenuous at this point. I have never been good at keeping up with current events, but have subscribed to the Tablet and a few Jewish blogs and read any article in my email that even somewhat interests me. It's a relationship that is new, and will require work and nurturing and understanding to sustain its continued growth. What I do know is that I see Israel as where I come from, and with the new level of vulnerability that converting opens me up to, I feel a sense of security in having a homeland, and an obligation to protect and sustain her.
You really raise a myriad of issues in this post. I know you spoke with you rabbi about some of them, but if you want to speak with me, just let me know. For some born Jews it is easy to connect to Israel and for others it is difficult. The same is true for Jews-by-choice. My hope is that you'll soon go to Israel and that you'll fall in love with the country, the people, the culture- just as you've fallen in love with Judaism.
ReplyDelete