Anticipation!

I'm in such a nervous state of giddiness that it has seriously been feeling like my wedding is approaching. My feelings at any given moment are: performance anxiety, nervousness of the unknown, happiness to have people close to me celebrating with me, fear that I'll forget what I'm supposed to say or otherwise be awkward, wonder at what it will feel like the next morning (will it truly not feel any different like so many say?), total joy that THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING!!!, denial that it will soon be over, and unbelievable excitement about the events of the day itself and about my future. Serious wedding deja vu. I am FLIPPING OUT inside on a nearly constant basis and can barely contain myself.

I've been so sad about my meetings with the rabbi ending, just as I was about class ending over a month ago. But just as with that, once I actually come to that point, there is so much excitement that I feel ready for and at peace with the transition.

Last night, we went to the second of four sessions on "Great Jewish Books," taught by our rabbi at our temple. This might be the first non-Shabbat experience that Nicole has accompanied me for, and she was pretty excited. I haven't minded going by myself to different things. I've actually been quite proud of myself for braving the drive (I had never driven in Long Island before this) and recently even socializing with others, pushing myself into a little independence so that my spiritual and intellectual needs are met without forcing Nicole out of her comfort zone to join me.

I invited our new friend C to join us, and then at the last minute, invited her over for dinner beforehand. She works a LOT, so she gets home late on most weeknights and isn't available on Saturdays. But this event wasn't until 7:30 so I asked her if she'd want to join, and she said yes, that she didn't even know it was going on but that it sounded interesting. So we sat with her and she added so much to the experience! To have a secure, intelligent Jewish woman involved in our discussions was awesome. That night's class was on the Talmud, and we had to have a discussion in groups. She added sooo much to the conversation, and I loved to see how Nicole was thinking about all this too. We have dinner plans tomorrow night, and decided yesterday to finish the packet together then.

As a group and with our rabbi's guidance, we hit on some majorly powerful stuff that just cemented my love affair with Judaism. The piece that blew all of us away was the conclusion from a piece of the Talmud that exemplifies free will - God disagreeing with God's children but letting the majority rule, even against God's opinion, because "the Torah is not in heaven" and it is up to God's people to interpret how to live by it, even if God disagrees. I left with my brain on fire, and even Nicole said, "I need more of this."

As much as I am proud of having felt comfortable enough in my own skin and in my still freshly developing Jewish identity to be able to participate in these events by myself, it added so much to my experience to go with people I love and feel totally comfortable with, especially my own wife. The three of us stood in the parking lot talking for another 20 minutes before agreeing to keep the conversation going on Thursday. I'm so happy that Nicole went, because it totally invigorated her, and, in an unexpected way, our marriage. I'm okay with having things that are just mine, or that I'm more interested in than she is. I cherish having my own identity. But it is an amazing feeling, and an important one, to be able to share in our spiritual life together like this.

I didn't think I could possibly be more excited about Friday, but yesterday sure did it. That class made me proud of Judaism, and proud of my synagogue. It made me thrilled to soon be able to call myself a part of that.

Every day that passes is like a freak-out countdown: "OHMYGOSH two days!!!" My palms sweat and my heart skips a beat every time it hits me in the middle of my workday or as I'm falling asleep. I only get to feel the excitement of this lead-up once, so I am enjoying every emotional, scary, and exciting day til then.