Intro to Judaism - Week 8

How does the Torah play a role in my life, and how can I "receive the Torah" in my own way as I convert, the way the Jewish people did at Mt. Sinai?

Receiving the Torah for me signifies my responsibility to live up to certain values and morals. It is the acceptance of my obligation to actively live my life less selfishly. Yes, there are areas where I fall short as far as my own behaviors and choices, even in seemingly minor ways, and that is great for me to continue to work on. However, just not doing harm isn't enough to me - that would make me neutral. I have a responsibility to do good, and the Torah calls me to that responsibility. It is a reminder for me of how I should be living, that thinking about and communing with God isn't enough, that spirituality isn't something that just happens in my own head. Helping others brings me closer to God and is a very necessary part of being the Jew I want to be.

I leave my job every day emotionally and physically exhausted, and using my little free time for self-care is a very important part of not burning out. I used to be okay with turning down volunteer opportunities because I felt like I volunteer for a living. Every hour of my workday is spent helping marginalized people, and without opportunity for raises or other comfy perks, and without even much recognition or appreciation. Isn't dedicating my life to this work, in this most challenging field of this work (foster care), enough? Oh poor me, aren't I saint. NO, this is not enough. Because I have no choice but to clock in and clock out in order to receive my salary and live my life. How is that really putting myself out there? I'm not diminishing the value of what I do - certainly I put my heart and mind and excruciating emotions into what I do every day in an effort to help others. But choosing that as my profession doesn't exempt me from other good works.

Nicole and I spend every New Year's pretty much the same way - we have New Year's Eve snacks and a movie in the tradition of my family, we start to drift off in front of the TV, and then I come to in a panic as the ball drops and wake my grumpy wife for a kiss before going to bed. (Being total non-partiers and early-to-bedders, I have come to appreciate the Jewish New Year all the more for fitting our lifestyle so much better! Celebrate at sundown and have a big feast without any crazy anticlimax that has all these expectations around it - confetti, kisses, cheering, toasting, let me go to sleeeeeep.)

This year, a couple days ago, Nicole mentioned that she would like to invite her aunt over. Her aunt recently lost her dog, and as a childless couple, their dogs are more their children than even I can relate to. Nicole's uncle has been very depressed the last month, refusing to sleep in their bed because it's too difficult without the dog there, and boycotting joyous occasions while he mourns. Nicole knew her aunt needed out and wanted to be able to distract her, so she invited her over for New Year's Eve. Then Nicole's aunt suggested bringing Nicole's cousin too, because his mom (Nicole's other aunt) died years ago and his girlfriend would be working and he would have no one. Then it was natural to include Nicole's mother and sister, as Nicole's father has been in the hospital and the holidays have been hard for them.

I agreed but grumbled for a minute about how now we'd have the pressure of playing hostess, which we hate, and would have to stay up late because of course they wouldn't be leaving right at midnight. Then I couldn't believe how selfish I sounded. As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I thought, "What a perfect opportunity to live my values. There is of course no other suitable course of action but to bring our family together, all of whom are struggling right now, and lift their spirits. And I will MAKE it be fun." So we cooked up some appetizers (Nicole's aunt was bringing half of them) and tidied up the house and put on "New Year's Rockin' Eve" and welcomed them into our home. They were all so happy to see us in our new house, grateful for the spread, and genuinely joyful as they rang in the New Year together.

I don't know how to say this without sounding cheesy, but it was so rewarding. I almost feel guilty for how much I enjoyed the evening because it doesn't feel like such a "good deed" anymore. (Although going to bed at 2:30 did leave me fuzzy-headed today so that I won't enjoy the day the way I otherwise may have!) But on the other hand, it showed me how good deeds can enhance my life. Doing a good deed doesn't have to require blood, sweat, and tears to be of value. 

Making an active choice to do something against my own desires that helped other people - and not because I have to like at work, but where I could have easily gotten away with NOT doing it and never thought about it again - was incredible. I felt closer to God, closer to the person I want to be, and dammit if I didn't have an awesome time. Good deeds don't have to be miserable and a major expenditure of effort - it just requires thinking outside of yourself for a minute and stretching your boundaries just that little bit extra.

Personally receiving the Torah for me means actively doing good, not just avoiding bad. It means living the values I speak.

I guess I just found my New Year's resolution.